Nice Guns, Mister Clean!


A post I wrote last Wednesday morning instead of eating toast:

Last night I made a hot, semi-sweet loaf of wheat bread. When done, I carved into it’s crisp, brown crust from which steam offered up a honey smell that makes your eyes roll back. The inside was soft and had a little spring to it – perfect pores for the butter to pool. I shared a piece with Meredith but still planned to have a little strawberry preserves on another slice after the boys went to bed. Seth and Daddy-O had taken Ike to a baseball game, so I would have the night for myself – myself and my bread. That’s a good day.

While I was talking on the phone trying to find a sitter for my “pre-op” appointment, Miles, my schnauzer, snatched the whole loaf of bread. I had just picked up a play fish net, so I chased him around the house trying to kill him with it. He has not yet gone to be with Jesus – not Yet. It’s horrible, I know. The little crumbs I picked up afterward were still hot from the oven and moist from my freaking dog’s greedy slobber jaws.

While I was having Hick Festival, running around my house, waving a fish net, and cursing at my dog, Jude was drawing on his face and the floor with magic markers. I even ran around him at one point and didn’t notice his La-Di-Da attitude, just making a little art on the kitchen tile.

I didn’t have the nerve to clean it. I just sat down to nurse the baby (still saying stuff like “frickin frackin gunky grrr” when I noticed that the house was pretty quiet. I knew Miles was finishing off the heal of my alone-time happiness, but I wasn’t sure about Jude. He had been running in circles from the kitchen to the living room. I had had my eyes right on him.

Jude? Answer mommy. Come. In. Here. Right. NOW!

In walks Jude and straight to a squat while sporting a big fat smile and all his leg fat pudging down around knees, while handling a Large Sharpie marker, he twisted an arm’s diameter of swirly circles, like stick-figure hair onto the tile – but with a permanent marker.

Complete Shock. More silence. Blood boiling.
Nnooooooooo! It was all over the kitchen floor and a door.

I had to invite Mr. Clean over during my alone time, which is good. Maybe in our more frequent alone time together I could encourage him to create a Magic Eraser for everything that is house dog.
I’m starting to think they’re all in cahoots.

 

Photobucket

amberhaines
About me

9 Comments

Jenny
Reply April 16, 2008

Wow! That is borderline heartbreaking! I feel your pain!

jennifer
Reply April 16, 2008

Miles is the sneakiest little dog I know... If he had stolen my alone time he would probably be with Jesus right now. I hope Mr. Clean worked out for you. Did you use it on his face too?

Amber
Reply April 16, 2008

Thankfully the permanent marker didn't get on his face.

Craig & Cindy
Reply April 17, 2008

Hahaha! Amber that was funny! Not to make light of the frustration, but it makes for good reading! I hope you get another chance to have some peaceful time! :)

Cindy

Craig & Cindy
Reply April 17, 2008

Hahaha! Amber that was funny! Not to make light of the frustration, but it makes for good reading! I hope you get another chance to have some peaceful time! :)

Cindy

Craig & Cindy
Reply April 17, 2008

I just discovered AficioNada blog from your blog and I think I love that blog!

Cindy

Craig & Cindy
Reply April 17, 2008

I just discovered AficioNada blog from your blog and I think I love that blog!

Cindy

Brooke
Reply April 17, 2008

That's funny...because I discovered Flat Carlee on Craig and Cindy's blog and want to know where I can get one!

Anonymous
Reply April 17, 2008

Amber you crack me up!!!!! LOL:) you are such a talented writer....when is your book coming out? House dog would have went to see Jesus for eating my fresh baked bread, even more so for taking away alone time. Amy

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *