happy happy joy joy


Isaac asked me why I was so mad this morning. And because I woke up a martyr today, I said, “Because everything I say is important, and no one seems to hear me.” I didn’t really say that, but isn’t it sad that I just wrote that?
Have you ever had one of those dreams where you’re speaking, yelling even, but no voice is coming out? I don’t think you have to be a college graduate to be able to interpret that one.
The last few days (yes, after my blog about being so happy with my Star Wars napkins) have been a many-small-circles sort of desperate. My voice disappeared, and that, my friends, after pitifully crying in the pile of toys that Jude refused to pick up, I have discovered is my greatest fear.
I have cried for days, and I won’t pretend that it has nothing to do with the girliness of being a girl, BUT now I am sitting at The Little Bread Company that beautifully came back to life, and Sufjan Stevens is playing (which I totally accept as encouragement from God Almighty), and I’ve been reading verses about my JOY and my HOPE, and I’ve been studying about reaping and sowing. 
And sometimes we sow in cupcakes (three of them in one day), and we won’t talk about what we’ll reap from that. Sometimes we sow slammed doors (three of them in one minute), and we won’t talk about that either. I’ve sown worry and cares  and striving and fear right up into thin air, and the reaping is everything that has to do with waste.
And sometimes we sow in tears, and sometimes we sow in spankings, and sometimes in replacing the sheets on the same bed six days in a row. Sometimes we sow in little mouth movements over the babies who pull our hair and tell us NO! and ignore us. We move our mouths, “save us all” or “have mercy have mercy have mercy”
Yesterday at bedtime I looked forward to today, “Those mercies are new in the morning, and I need some new ones,” and I hurried to sleep.
When the reaping comes, when we wake up in our real skin, and we go to those God parties and bask and bask and bask, won’t it be so funny if I can remember that time I sat in the pile of musical toys and cried, thinking I would never get up?

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amberhaines
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5 Comments

Kara
Reply October 16, 2008

i had a quote from work that is so true..if you don't like the crop you're reaping, check the seed your sowing..
i'm so grateful His mercies are new every morning....you are loved.

Megan
Reply October 16, 2008

I know I've been where you are and love how you paint the picture of it with your deep and beautiful words.

Thank God that He is so good to us and that we can get up from the pile of musical toys eventually.

Good to see you at school today, but I wish we could have exchange more than a few rushed hi's. Hope your boys had a nice time there; mine certainly do.

Los Cazadores
Reply October 17, 2008

Amber, your writing is so poetic....I hope you're feeling better. We all have days like that, and I'm bound to be sitting in a pile of toys someday bawling too (especially us girlie girls), then I'll remember to read this post (and the Star Wars one).

Cindy

The Clarks
Reply October 17, 2008

thanks for the reminder, I feel what you are feeling and oddly enough listening to Sufjan while reading your blog. Transfiguration.

Brooke
Reply October 18, 2008

you just have no idea how much i'm with you on this. there are times during every day that i thank the Lord that my bff has 3 munchkins begging the life out of her too.
awesome writing amber haines!!

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