this will explain


For my blog’s 250th post, I am now going to give it its proverbial birthday cake with “25 Random Things” about me. Facebook will be so proud.

1. I have vivid memories from being a small child.

2. I was as tall as the bottom rail on the porch, and as I passed the rose bush on the west side of our trailer, a thorn scratched my cheek. I still have the scar.

3. I was two. I shook my hair down from a pony tail as I watched my pregnant Mama sit at her vanity brushing her hair between contractions. She asked me if I was ready for her to go get the baby. I worried  and worried that she wouldn’t because I looked like I said “no” as I shook my hair down.

4. On my hands and knees between the porch and the tire swing, I took a big bite of dog-food just as Mama shrieked out the back door at me. I never did that again. Thank goodness.

5. I have some cousins that are some of my best friends.

6. My closest  girl cousin once ate the “A” off my birthday cake before I blew out the candles, and once she found the Easter egg that had my name on it in cursive, fought over it with another cousin, and squashed it to nasty bits. I bitterly recount these things to her often.

7. I wanted to be just like this same cousin. I tried on her home-made bubble suit everyday for months and asked Mama if I had grown enough to be able to wear it. I’m honored that she really is now one of my best friends.

8. Her brother has always been my closest male cousin. Once, in the middle of the woods, we climbed to the top of a ruined barn that had been stripped down to the bare framework and rusted nails. Tin waved like surrender flags. We walked along the rotting roof  with our arms out straight like we were on balance beams, and we didn’t fall.

9. Once we secretly went up to the attic, found a very large bullet from Vietnam, took it to the woods, and shot it with a bebe gun. It exploded like backfire, and the shell flew through my hair. Our hearts stopped. We didn’t realize what we were doing until we could have been dead.

10. I have a lot of stories where I didn’t realize what I was doing until I could have been dead.

11. I have vivid memories of profound aloneness where I felt suddenly aware of some great and invisible presence. Never did I feel more of that than on the pebbled shores, drifting peat hills, and stinging-nettle infested 6th century monastery of Inishbofin.

12. I love to travel long distances alone.

13. The most fun I ever had was my week alone in London.  

14. Once I drove alone following signs to a ruined church building miles and miles down a dirt road into South Carolina Woods.

15. In high school I felt really sexy when I wore a short jumper, baby barrettes, daddy’s long tube socks, and my One Stars. I think a more-refined version of this is about to hit modern style – complete with the chunky clunk shoes. Mark my word – the 90’s are coming back.

16. Growing up, I hated cheesy crackers unless I had a cup of orange juice to accompany them.

17. I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of wanting to go dancing.

18.  The Christmas Eve I was 12, I was pretending with my sister to watch out the window for Santa. We looked up into the dark and saw a star whirling around the sky before it came to a complete halt. It then split into two (or 3 – I don’t remember how many), and they all whirled about before stopping, rejoining, slowly descending, and then disappearing. 

18. I think X-Files was the best show ever made.

19. I almost failed Mrs. Wagner’s English class in Jr. High, but I graduated with a 3.89 GPA with a degree in English.

20. I am All or Nothing.

21. I am All or Nothing- except for when it comes to housework, and there I am fair-to-middlin’.   

22. Yo Gabba-Gabba makes me a rump-shaker and is extremely entertaining to me, but I do not get the significance of its phallical characters.

23. I don’t think you can beat a sausage biscuit with mustard. What’s that? No. I don’t mean that I think it’s impossible for you to use mustard to beat up on a sausage biscuit. I mean, I like sausage biscuits with mustard a whole lot.

24. When I was little, I heard a lot of phrases like: “Why, she’s crazy as a betsy bug!” and “Why, that’s better than snuff!” I cannot explain these things, but I do say them with increasing frequency.

25. I am currently wearing an old t-shirt, a cardigan, gray running pants, and brown moccasins. When I do this sort of awful thing, I feel compelled to put on make-up. Like any good country girl, I love make-up and could spend hours playing in it even if no one is to lay eyes on me.

amberhaines
About me

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18 Comments

Heather
Reply February 2, 2009

24. My fave is... "If the Lord's willing and the creek don't rise." Ohhhh... and "knee-high to a grasshopper."

Heather’s last blog post..You Replace Me

Amber
Reply February 2, 2009

Oh mylanta. That's right on. Can you think of any more?

Lora Lynn
Reply February 2, 2009

#17 Yup. Me too.

Lora Lynn’s last blog post..A-Tisket, A-Tasket, Ellen’s In A Basket

the domestic fringe
Reply February 2, 2009

You've got quite the list! #21 - I'm middlin in the housework department too.
-FringeGirl

the domestic fringe’s last blog post..Spittin Straight

hamster
Reply February 2, 2009

one of my new favorite expressions is "better than sausage biscuits with mustard." i've been using that since september when i first encountered you using it.

say, i don't know if you got my text message today (or if you ever get text messages), but i saw your doppleganger waltzing out of the library this morning. she was not wearing a cardigan but a navy blue peacoat. i forgave her this as she drifted down the library steps entirely on her toes. she was talking on a phone and laughing like there was no such thing as gravity. the ends of her hair were curled a bit more than i've seen of you; however, one glance made me shout a blessing on you and him and boys. haineses are good.

hamster’s last blog post..Dark Knight, Schmark Knight, or the Power of Mammy

Aimee
Reply February 2, 2009

Oh my stars!

Are we long-lost sisters or something? I completely concur with you on numbers 1, 12, 17, 20, 21 (-especially- 21!), 23 and 24.

Have you ever put a slice of tomato on that sausage biscuit with mustard? Heaven, I tell ya, heaven.

I saw things like you describe in #24 all the time. My husband doesn't know what to make of it, since he hadn't heard stuff like that. He missed out when he was growing up. :-)

Aimee’s last blog post..Busy being a mom.

stacey
Reply February 2, 2009

i thought it was "bessy" bug. then again, i only lived in the south for 7 years?! ;)

Susie
Reply February 2, 2009

#3 is so sweet.

I too had a home-made bubble suit from my older cousin. It was reversible.

A couple sayings: “sweet essence of buttermilk!" and ... her hair/his face is "smooth as frog fuzz."

Shannon M.
Reply February 2, 2009

"That's as common as hair in a biscuit:"; "He's tighter than Dick's hat band" (i.e., doesn't enjoy spending money); and "Good gravy!"

Shannon M.’s last blog post..Gold Mine Giveaway: Win an Underwood’s Garnet Necklace!

Amber @ Classic Housewife
Reply February 2, 2009

I love your list. I have a lot of memories from early childhood, but I didn't try anything nearly as dangerous as you did. :)

Amber @ Classic Housewife’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday

Seth
Reply February 3, 2009

Has anyone ever heard this one:

"Drunker than a blind owl in a gunny sack"?

I have. At Amber's house. My grandpa told me that I misunderstood the expression. He claims the southernism is "drunker than a boiled owl in a gunny sack." Although I claim Southern roots, these expressions plum confound me. First, seein' an owl during the day is more rare than a Texas tee-bone. Further, I ain't never seen one drinking nothin'--especially no whiskey. Third, supposin' I had seen such a critter, I shore-as-shootin' wouldn't boil him and stuff him headlong into a gunny sack.

We are a strange people. I'm gonna eat me some grits.

Jane Anne
Reply February 3, 2009

I loved reading this list! I had well over 25 interruptions from my little ones though so I cannot really comment specifically right now. I do want to say that much of it made this Southern girl smile. Man, I cannot explain most "Southernisms" but I sure miss hearing them!

Jane Anne’s last blog post..Tasty Tuesday: Blueberry Orange Muffins

Jennifer
Reply February 3, 2009

I remember the first time I saw you put mustard on your biscuit. I thought you were crazy. Yo Gabba ugh! but the the girls love it :) See you in two days!

Jenna @ Newlyweds
Reply February 3, 2009

Great list, I laughed at all the memories you remember as a small child, 2 wow that is amazing!

Jenna @ Newlyweds’s last blog post..Creamy Spinach and Chicken Enchiladas

Amy
Reply February 6, 2009

As sorry as I am about #6, I am even more sorry about #7. I am also frightened at the number of things that I participated in that could've easily ended with my funeral! Love you.

Cassie
Reply February 8, 2009

I find you incredibly interesting.

Cassie’s last blog post..Penis.

punkinmama
Reply February 8, 2009

Congrats on your 250th post! Here's wishing you another great 250!

punkinmama’s last blog post..we are not alone

brooke robinson
Reply February 16, 2009

UNBELIEVABLE! truly...OMG! every one of your facts could be a short story...or small book! go go...get to writing. LOVE THESE amber!

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