a desire which has no experience


As a writer, I go about my day with my brain’s fingers at a blank document. Often I’m just describing stuff to myself, for example: the mismatched-sock bin is a vesuvius; one act of motherhood is fishing a mostly clean finger along the floor of a child’s mouth to find the frustrating mystery mouth hair.

As a blogger, I get out my camera at the dumbest times. Look. Here’s the day I stopped in West Memphis to find internet access because I couldn’t wait until I got all the way to Fayetteville to write a blog post. While I was there, I took pictures of myself at McDonald’s. Everything is fodder if you’re looking for fodder. Guess what I thought I would title this one – if perhaps I ever wanted to write about it?

white girlembarrassing photograph proving I'm not as cool as I'd like to be

McDonald’s, the new Starbucks.

Now listen. I know now that this is as dumb as home-made sin because the picture to the right  looks like I janked it from stuff white people like.

I already have white girl bangs, which is beside the point.

This weekend, I was neither a writer nor a blogger, and it was scary to give it up, but rather than noting and noting for the public eye, I practiced noting for a private one. 

This morning I feel rested, and I guess we always do when we give things up to God. Remember this, Mucky Mama, when you’re afraid to look away from your art or your work. You are endlessly before the Original Artist, and there is pleasure there that begs no input and only accepts it as worship. I want to be a Hedonist more to remember I wasn’t made for this world, to stop striving to leave my claw marks in it.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” – C.S. Lewis

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amberhaines
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11 Comments

Shannan
Reply March 16, 2009

Beautiful. You captured so well the thought I so often try to ignore: "I wasn’t made for this world, to stop striving to leave my claw marks in it." Thank you for the reminder. I've been checking your blog from time to time (can't for the life of me remember how I stumbled upon it??) and I really appreciate your honesty and candor. And humor. :) Have a fantastic day!
-Shannnan

Shannan’s last blog post..Ikea or bust

melissa @ the inspired room
Reply March 16, 2009

Loved this. You have such a beautiful way of painting a picture, Amber!

I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that sometimes I just take a extra day off at random (but on purpose) from blogging because I don't want it to consume my every waking thought. Even when I have an easy post I could do, I chose to NOT post it as a matter of personal principle (painful as that is sometimes, oh how I want to keep sharing!).

It is amazing how that simple gesture of distance frees my mind, reminds me of who I belong to and what I am created for. I usually take several days off of "my creative work" each week to break the hold it can have on me, to keep it in check. It really helps breaks me of habits that can control my life and keeps me focused on what means more to me.

Thanks for the encouragement today, sweet Amber!

blessings,
Melissa

melissa @ the inspired room’s last blog post..Making This Home: Simple Joys of a Small Kitchen

Lora Lynn
Reply March 16, 2009

oooo, I so get this.

signed,
Another Mucky Mama

Lora Lynn’s last blog post..Desperation Is The Mother of Insanity

Jo@Mylestones
Reply March 16, 2009

Ok, I got a little sidetracked when you threw in that thing about MickeyDs being the new Starbucks, because, you know, that's dark roasted blasphemy to compare Newman's own with an authentic pumpkin spice latte. But before I knew it, you were quoting CS Lewis and reminding me to pine for the world I was created for instead of clawing after the one I'm in, and so how can I stay fake mad at you even for a second? :-)

And guess who else has bangs? Uh huh, razored right down to little wisps this weekend. How do you like that, white people?

Jo@Mylestones’s last blog post..The Promised Land: Revisited

Minnesotamom
Reply March 16, 2009

A Hedonist, eh? You must be a reader of my pastor's books (Piper).

And you go ahead and ROCK your white girl bangs. And we will keep coming back, because you are popular.

Minnesotamom’s last blog post..On 20/20 Tonight–Bailouts and Bull

Megan @ Hold it UP to the Light
Reply March 16, 2009

And you have, yet again, put my thoughts into words. Amazing.

Heather of the EO
Reply March 16, 2009

Yes. What Megan said.

The McDonald's thing was hilarious of course. And if you're going to quote good ol' C.S. I'm going to have to love you even more.

Heather of the EO’s last blog post..Seeing it Through

the domestic fringe
Reply March 16, 2009

Great post. That's all I can add.
-FringeGirl

ExtraordinaryMommy
Reply March 16, 2009

What a beautiful post, Amber! I think much like you do - always writing in my head - perfecting a post, pulling out a camera, 'creating fodder' as you put it. And, sometimes, taking mental time off is truly divine. To clear your mind - and focus on what is in front of you - just for the sake of it being in front of you - is fantastic!

ExtraordinaryMommy’s last blog post..I have an urge to dance

Shawna
Reply March 16, 2009

Ooh, you got me with your last line: "...to remember I wasn’t made for this world, to stop striving to leave my claw marks in it." I frequently catch myself longing so desperately to be noticed...for my wisdom, for my words, for my hilarity (or humarity, if you prefer). [Yes, I like to make up words too.] But the truth is, the only part of my identity that matters is that which is in HIM. Who am I but His child? Boy do I keep clawing to get people to look at me, though, even if only for a second. Why can't I just rest in knowing that He is the only One who really SEES me?

shawna-mygirls.blogspot.com

Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience
Reply March 17, 2009

Such things I want to ask you....

How do you embrace the word "writer"? You are... But I can't... and maybe I'm not.

To be for an audience of One, that's reviving stuff. His applause electrifies, intoxicates. "Well done, good and faithful servant...."

And yet some brains are wired for this writing, this way of slicing the Gordian Knot with sharp words... but to sharpen the words to a point on stones of silence.

Your words cut it back.

Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience’s last blog post..Meeting Kin

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