a love story: on re-vision


Want the backstory?  Here’s my mixed tape of Love Songs.

word-of-testimony

When I tell him that we could be together forever, and when we pray and know it’s right, and we marry , and I can’t take my eyes and my hands off him, no one tells me how to fling my love up like a guard rail, to lay it down like a path, and build it up like a covering. I do not know that it is a territory, to paint it with graffiti and admire the art.

In our old age, he will pat my rear, take me around the world, and suffer long with me. One of us will hear the other whisper to angels. One of us will watch the other  sigh out this world’s last strained  grip and slip behind the veil into freedom. I have seen it, what God intends for me and Seth.

No one tells me to nail and spotlight this vision above my mind’s mantel, so there are days I replace it with other pictures. Our spirits argue about it. Seth wants to hang noble constitutional prints, and I want other scenes.

A man from Connamara asks me why I visit Galway. I answer poetry, and he whispers Ireland’s poets’ names in my ear and talks of them quietly as music blares. He says he can show me the island. 

Even though I do strain and say No and try to make myself unattractive, I have a new idea, a new green canvas with craggy hills and a raging sea on which to fix my eyes when Seth calls and tells me again he won’t be home. I begin to revise my future, as if the rewriting would make it better.

Even when my eyes unhinge and reattach to Seth, I do not know that with love I must constantly rehang the original art, repeatedly turn away from the version of myself that ran into the arms of another, and repeatedly deny the version of ourselves that didn’t suffer.

I see myself in the past, in love, and I tell her: re-visions are perversions. The future cannot be revised by you for improvements. It is already beautiful –  a garden, planted, watered, and bearing fruit.


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amberhaines
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18 Comments

Adventures In Babywearing
Reply March 17, 2009

Wow.

Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

Cassie
Reply March 17, 2009

I agree with Steph. Wow. What a powerful love you have created. This gives us single gals hope!

Cassie’s last blog post..The irony of it all

Jo@Mylestones
Reply March 17, 2009

I think I know what your book should be about. Not that doorknobs and random thoughts aren't good enough subjects. It's just that this love story is too beautifully told not to be written in pages you turn.

Jo@Mylestones’s last blog post..The Promised Land: Revisited

BlueCastle
Reply March 17, 2009

I read another installment and sigh with delight, trying not to beg you to keep writing, but begging nonetheless.

BlueCastle’s last blog post..We Have A Winner!

Sara
Reply March 17, 2009

Oh Mercy, that was good. I read it three times to soak it all in. Do we ever stop running from that old version of us who wants to creep back in and take hold?

Sara’s last blog post..Interview with Mom

Amy
Reply March 17, 2009

Satan always wants us to believe there is something better out there...and that he can help us achieve it. It's temptation, and it's an age-old story. Our sister, Eve, was the first to fall for that lie, to believe that she could change her future. She stopped believing God could be her everything, and ran into the arms of another. As a result, it's our story now...and a continual struggle to believe God can do what He says He can do: save us.

I love what you said about love- how it needs to be a guide rail, a pathway, a shield. Only problem is, human love fails unless it is anchored in our Father's Love- Jesus! Only God's love, through His son, can be the guard-rail our marriages need. Only through Him can our marriages be what they were meant to be.

Amy’s last blog post..When the kid is quiet…

Heather of the EO
Reply March 17, 2009

"No one tells me to nail and spotlight this vision above my mind’s mantel, so there are days I replace it with other pictures. Our spirits argue about it. Seth wants to hang noble constitutional prints, and I want other scenes."

It is really tough work. I wish we didn't have to fail sometimes in order to really, REALLY get it.

How 'bout a memoir? For your book...your whole story shared with others so they can see someone REAL and lovely who has walked some hard roads, taken some detours, and found the depth of grace? That would bring many hope. Just sayin' :)

Heather of the EO’s last blog post..A tribute to one of my best teachers

Seth
Reply March 17, 2009

This story is sad and all too common.

I'm glad I know the ending, and I am glad it is good. I remember beating the air together and not knowing we were doing it. I remember when the wind seemed to fill us up again and we remember that we create life much better as a team than we do as individuals.

I reckon everyone has a story. I'm glad to hear ours from your voice. I'll keep reading if you keep writing.
Seth

Seth’s last blog post..The Mother’s Day Edition Update

chickadee
Reply March 17, 2009

i love this way of telling your story.
i, too, tried to revise my future, but God intended this man for me.

chickadee’s last blog post..Unschooling?

patty
Reply March 17, 2009

your honesty with your feelings is amazing. and your bravery to share it with both us and with seth only matches it.

patty’s last blog post..Day 7: Last Day

Kelly @ Love Well
Reply March 17, 2009

It's one thing to say no with your mouth.

It's another to say no with your heart and mind.

To do less is to muddy the original art.

Kelly @ Love Well’s last blog post..A SAHM Moment: The Rest of the Story

brittney
Reply March 17, 2009

I'm always speechless when I read your love stories.

brittney’s last blog post..teaser: revealed!

Jess
Reply March 18, 2009

Thanks for telling truth, and speaking it with such lovely words. It gives me hope and courage . . . I've read your Love Songs with relish, but also with a touch of envy at the perfection . . . knowing that there is struggle makes it all the more beautiful . . . all the more perfect by God's grace.

hamster
Reply March 18, 2009
Secret Agent Mama
Reply March 18, 2009

So much of what I've seen and read with you, here, is what I have lived. I feel we are kindred spirits. All four of us. And, indeed...it is beautiful!

Minnesotamom
Reply March 19, 2009

Breathtaking.

Minnesotamom’s last blog post..Busy, Busy

Carrington
Reply October 10, 2009

So beautiful, and so real. I can feel what you were feeling then. I love the line "I do not know that with love I must constantly rehang the original art". I've sometimes gone their in my own mind, not thinking of anyone other then my husband, but thinking about what if we didn't have the ending I always thought we would, and I think you put it so beautifully. It reminds me of how intentional I have to be in my marriage, every single day.

Roni
Reply February 24, 2014

Amber... I don't know that I've ever read anything more raggedly beautiful in my life.

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