this is not a blog post


it is a plea for helplegal pad heart on my dern puffy cliche sleeveI am offering a big fat prize to anyone who helps me out with this one. I don’t know what the prize is yet – maybe something that I love, that is actually mine, that I’ll give you so you can know I’m a real person –

IF you can help me.

You know how I love to write? Need to write? Do it in my dreams and in my imaginations? yes. yes. mmm. yes. I’m having a hard time with it, and it’s the strangest case of writer’s block I’ve ever seen.  It’s not that words or the desire are blocked. I feel like I’m brimming with it all. I think my fear is that I’ll burst into such poetic rambling, that I’ll enter a rabbit hole and never come back. No. That’s not it either.

I don’t know, but this is what I need: a writing assignment. If you give me a writing assignment that actually spurs me to throw down some real writing or triggers me to pour out of that well I know is in there, then I’ll send you a prize. Tell me what you want to read, and I’ll twist it all up and try to surprise you, okay?

Until then, I might be forced, because I love my blog and you and the sound of clickety clack on the keyboard, to take stupid pictures of myself with a legal pad heart on my puffy sleeve. I might give you a step by step run down of how I made last night’s supper, or how I sat on my back side and talked Seth’s head off while he made last’s night’s dinner. I might start making up more rhyme-y things for the days of the week, like Sanctified Sunday, Maniac Monday, Too Terrible Tuesday, Wonky Wednesday, Thingy … well, you get the point. 

Now, hit me, and I’ll announce the prize as soon as I know what it is, and you’ll know you’ve won, as soon as I credit you for something creative and ask for your address.

Who has my muse?

amberhaines
About me

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30 Comments

Sugar Jones
Reply June 24, 2009

If you could open up a store... anywhere... and sell anything, real or imagined... what would it look like? What would you sell? Who would your customers be?

And you don't have to give me anything. Your words alone are a gift.

:)

Sugar Jones’s last blog post..Green Works Reverse Graffiti Project

Stephen
Reply June 24, 2009

try one of these...

*pull a memory out of your head that has absolutely nothing at all to do with anything. just a non-sequitur moment of staring at a kite or running up a hill or being pelted with hail. don't even think of turning it into a spiritual message.

*incite a riot with a bunch of those words in your head. pit one idea against another and let them duke it out on the page. doesn't matter if one is a poem about frogs and the other is a rant about the "anxiety of not knowing things you think you should know but don't."

*write about your day as seen through rose colored glasses. cover up all the mucky stuff with lace and frills. then, in the very last line, unwrap it to reveal the truth.

*put away the computer and create a poem out of cheerios or froot loops. something brief, but delicious. photograph it. then eat it.

*poetificate on the very rabbit hole you speak of above. don't be a-feared, if you're writing about it you can't fall in.

*time travel and write a poem ten years from now about the previous five.

*stand, walk 25 steps in any direction, close your eyes, spin two or three times, then write about what you see. or about the things you can't see but are actually there.

*flying monkeys.

*write a poem that begins with the word "nothing" and ends with the word "everything."

*write a children's story on the theological concept of transubstantiation.

*write twice about the same thing. first in black and white, then in color. i have no idea what that means, but it made sense in my head.

That's all I've got for the moment. I need to save a few ideas for my little editor's blog.

Stephen’s last blog post..s.d.o.n.d.

    Amber
    Reply June 24, 2009

    Oh mylanta goodness, Steve. We were so meant to be friends. Aah, the fates (who in Jesus, of course (you know I had to say it (it's really hard for me to leave the spiritual out))) were super good on that one.

Lora Lynn
Reply June 24, 2009

So. I sat and thought about your predicament. I came up with and discarded 80 ideas. I said, "I'll go and write my own blog post and then decide."

And then I couldn't come up with anything to write. Which for somebody as verbose as me is incredibly rare.

Whatever you've got, it's catching.

Anyway, describe for me your first dorm room. Or whatever first room you lived in away from home. I can tell you every poster, every item in that first dorm room of mine. And each one was so key to telling the story of where I came from and who I was about to be.

Lora Lynn’s last blog post..Although I’m Certain There’s A Cow Somewhere In San Francisco

    Amber
    Reply June 24, 2009

    Lora Lynn, this is a good one. I'm remembering now. That's all I need - some memory joggers.

melissa
Reply June 24, 2009

you can have my idea that clanked around in my head today because i'm sure you could do a better, more poetic job of it than i could. i was thinking about the strange things in my childhood that are fleeting images that seem to be almost dream like. there was a big, huge tadpole in a green jug i brought for show and tell,or did i dream that? the starfish in the driveway after a huge rain (in arkansas? couldn't have happened.) the odd worm we found that had huge eyes and looked like a snake.

do you have these images of your childhood that have solid evidence of truth?

melissa’s last blog post..Sleepless nights and a little change

    Amber
    Reply June 24, 2009

    You totally have to keep these ideas. Pretty please write a post on a star fish in the Arkansas driveway. That's the greatest thing since Thriller.

    I know I have these childhood dream memories - some strange ones. Great idea.

chelsea
Reply June 24, 2009

i often wonder who i would be, how i would live, what i would be doing if i had A.) been born in another country (like australia, or alaska, or zimbabwe), or B.) if i had been born in another time period (like the pioneer days in america, or in Jerusalem during Jesus' time on earth...)

i think it is a fascinating subject to day dream about... and i would love to hear/read you process one or both of those thoughts... i know it would be oh so intriguing and fun!

chelsea’s last blog post..Gabe & Andrea’s Slideshow!

Natasha
Reply June 24, 2009

This is eerie. I just wrote about this writer's block you speak of. http://www.becomingsomething.com/2009/06/what-really-irks-me-about-writing.html I left a bunch of great quotes there from writers. They might spark something within you.

Stephen, I love you. I love you. You may wind up in a book dedication one day. Of course, I'll have forgotten your name and so it will probably say something like, "To that guy on that blog in the comments who left all those ideas to write a poem in Fruit Loops about transubstantiation and flying monkeys. I don't know why I got a book published and you didn't. Well, maybe you did, I don't know. I like to pretend that you didn't because then I can say, 'I don't know why I got a book published and you didn't because you're probably 63 times more creative and intelligent than I am.' "

Natasha’s last blog post..What really irks me about writing

john
Reply June 24, 2009

Write about your boys -- your posts really come to life when they're the focus. Especially when you don't leave the spiritual out... :)

Brittney
Reply June 24, 2009

I don't think I can be of much help here. You see, I'm analytical, so I like writing research papers, or assignments for professors. So that would be my suggestion, which doesn't ever really sound fun to anyone but me.

I hope your muse comes soon!

Brittney’s last blog post..Bindi's Beetle Battle

Jo@Mylestones
Reply June 25, 2009

So, lemme get this straight, our assignment is to give you an assignment? It seems you've already been given some great ideas to get you going, but an abundance of ideas can only help, right?
I'd love to read a poem you might write, inspired by Longfellow's "The Children's Hour". Write about those early evening moments--after dinner, before bed, about your boys and their daddy and mommy.
Love the heart you're wearing on your sleeve, btw. Love it.

Jo@Mylestones’s last blog post..Optimism

patty
Reply June 25, 2009

oh, i enjoyed reading your readers' comments as much as your post and seeing your picture (great, btw). for 'love thurs', i was trying to remember moments that i KNEW i was loved. it really wasn't easy, actually, but i'm referring to those moments when you think, "wow... he{she} really loves me..."
hmmm...
gl!

patty’s last blog post..grateful sky 2

Adventures In Babywearing
Reply June 25, 2009

Wow- what Steven suggested! ALL of it!

Steph

Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Mind Reader

Kelly
Reply June 25, 2009

An assignment:
Five hundred words
in poetry or
prose
to tell me who you are
why
you are
what you'd dream if you could
dream anything,
For anything you write
must be
you
to share with
me
Or it is not worth writing
anything
at all.

Sometimes, I have my best fun with "writer's block." I write about my writer's block (http://livingbygrace.blogspot.com/2009/06/when-writer-has-no-voice.html). I write something. Anything. I write what is nothing and what is everything. And one day I find I am writing from who I am again, and I am writing me, and I am loving what I write. LOVE this post and all the comments!

P.S. Thank you for thinking my vent was amazing. I'm quite bemused by that descriptor.

Kelly’s last blog post..Good Intentions, the Road to Hell, and All That...

Jessica
Reply June 25, 2009

Your dreams of and for your daughter....broad, i know....but beautiful!

Your Husband
Reply June 25, 2009

I wrote this great comment about how you should take the 4 best ideas and combine them in a post written wholly in iambic pentameter (which I wrote wholly in iambic pentameter) and then, when I tried to submit the comment, my computer crashed because I'm not supposed to be commenting on blogs at work and the Fates (or Jesus if we're having to be spiritual) decided that they would tattle tell on me for commenting on your blog at work. Of course, I also said that all comments to any such iambic pentameterish post should be left in haiku and I also wrote that in haiku, and that really pissed the Fates off because everyone knows that the fates are not Japanese and they don't like haiku because it's all whimsical and seasonal and all of that stuff and the Fates didn't like me suggesting that anyone write in anything other than iambic pentameter because everyone knows that the Greeks were the ones that started all of that iambic penatameter stuff and it never caught on in Japan. Moreover, the Fates really didn't like my haiku and one of them emailed me and told me that I actually wrote my haiku with 8 syllables in the middle stanza instead of 7, to which I responded that I was using creative license, to which the Fate responded, you aren't even Japanese.

I can't argue that.

    Amber
    Reply June 25, 2009

    You are so obviously the hottest man on the face of the planet.

Amber
Reply June 25, 2009

Natasha, you've got to read Stephen's blog. Click around and find his fiction. He's for real - as in he actually makes dollar bills by writing.

Also, so cool to find your blog, too. Maybe our muses have been hanging out.

Kelly
Reply June 25, 2009

Amber, I just dropped back by here and saw your husband's comment. I'm rolling here! He needs to meet my husband - they may have different talents and interests, but WOW, the sense of humor is the same! I love it!

Kelly’s last blog post..Reflections: A Sequel to Yesterday

Cheryl B.
Reply June 25, 2009

So, I just stumbled upon your website and found this post . . . I am the mom of four boys - now in their 20's {Also a mother-in-love, And for three weeks now - a grandma :-D}. We had the four in six years time ... yea. They are all literally 'God's kids' cuz they were all 'planned against'!!! He obviously had other plans.
In reading your posting and then the comments left for you, I came up with this suggestion - start a series writing about how you see evidences of God's humor - in everyday life. Keep a little pad of paper handy {or attached to your sleeve ;-p} and jot little memory joggers when things happen. God is definetly part of every day life - and he shares glimses of himself during the course of a day - and He DOES have QUITE the sense of humor!!! He cracks me up!!!
What "prize" would I like? A new friend? (you) Or - I always go for chocolate ...

Cheryl B.’s last blog post..It's all in the interruption

jubilee
Reply June 25, 2009

I should have come up with my own idea before reading the comments! Ah well.

I really like Stephen's idea about starting with "nothing" and ending with "everything." Although flying monkeys would be fun too . . .

jubilee’s last blog post..A Paradox of Heated Proportions

owlhaven
Reply June 25, 2009

I would lovelovelove to provide a prize for this contest. Can I send you a couple copies of my book? A Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family
Let me know!

Mary, mom to 10

Amber
Reply June 25, 2009

What?! Mary, yes. Oh, I'm so honored, and believe me, I've been thinking of ways to get my hands on a copy, myself. What a blessing.

hamster
Reply June 26, 2009

i'm getting in late on this one.

you could write about the time when i was in eighth grade and i loved this blonde named alison and i got her locker combination from a friend in the office and filled her locker with gifts and balloons and letters and then i never asked her out. she and i are still friends. talked to her last week. you do not know all the details of our relationship after that, but that's the fun of it. a pubescent hamster in love with no guts to match her glory.

make a narrative. a poem. an essay exploration of teenage boy hormones. whatever you want. just get rodential with it. go.

hamster’s last blog post..A HAMSTERIAN TRIBUTE TO THE KING OF POP: MY FRIEND, MICHAEL JACKSON

hamster
Reply June 26, 2009

also, that picture is real dang cute.

hamster’s last blog post..A HAMSTERIAN TRIBUTE TO THE KING OF POP: MY FRIEND, MICHAEL JACKSON

Autumn Brown
Reply June 26, 2009

I want to hear more about your mama and your daddy and that dusty place you call Alabama. See you get to run wild in a place where my daddy and mama use to call home. Now its a home for concrete, malls and "Home Offices." I can take you to a place, just a stone throw from the promenade(sp) where my daddy use to collect turtles to sell to rich folk to make turtle soup. I can't go to NWA without feeling part of me die. I remember when it took 40 minutes to go from the Rogers city limites to Bentonville's. Anyway, your home seems untouched, an unsoiled...soil. Hmmm. I just want to feast more on your memories. Please, ma'am. If you don't mind.

Autumn Brown’s last blog post..Color Time

Minnesotamom
Reply June 26, 2009

A travel guide for a toddler as he cruises through the trials of life: bathtime, learning to tie shoes, etc.

Minnesotamom’s last blog post..After a week of Mom…

Kara
Reply June 30, 2009

Kat at "Mama's Losin' It" does regular writing assignments, if you want to follow her...here is today's: http://tinyurl.com/moxt7s

Kara’s last blog post..Star-Spangled Envelopes

kara
Reply July 12, 2009

so, not sure if i'm too late or not, but you can totally right about love and loss, and hearts, and valleys and peaks, and His glory being revealed through all the chaos.
if you already have one, no worries. i've been praying for years about writing a book, so i'll ask for your thoughts as i begin that new journey.:)
love you. saw your sweet face from afar and had all intention of getting to hug you, yet h had other wants of running up and down the bleachers.

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