on living


I often wake around 5:00. I like the quiet dark, the hot cups, the page turning, inhaled prayers, the box fan still roaring upstairs. 

This is what I call my Quiet Time, a time for which I used to throw aside my covers with a jump. When morning rolls up, God’s bigness overwhelms, and I move according to His size. Everything seems small, kept, and controlled – and not by me. I am created. I act like a believer. I love. Goodness and Mercy follow. Jesus lives.

When I first believed, it was an enviable and rapturous kind of salvation. Fibers released, and the ingrained came out. My body stopped crying after the unfastening of a child. 

I remember jealously wanting the dramatic story – the God-takeover.

And now I’m jealous again and waning in memory, my groggy head deep in feathers, my tummy full of potato chips, my imagination cornered on the dark circles under my eyes and the lusty future women banging on my boys’ doors.

Survival mode for a mother is as common as peanut butter and jelly. It’s purpose is to get us by, to keep us breathing just for today. And as we do, the seen things multiply – magnify.

And then the static comes on, which means there is no reception. When we’re in survival mode, we get confused about how to change the channel.

Scrounge for the manual. Run your finger along the boring.

Run it along until the breeze.

Recognize the order where it really is. Call yourself dead. 

It’s not survival we’re after here.

There is no energy to spend except what has already been spent.

Believe that it is finished. 

Believe in other breath.

In the beginning was the Word.

The Word was God, was with God.

This is how the lights come on,

how the dry bones dance.

amberhaines
About me

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9 Comments

HisFireFly
Reply July 9, 2009

I am breathless! This was a lovely post. Thank you for sharing your words.

HisFireFly’s last blog post..Quiet Stream

brittney
Reply July 9, 2009

I am determined to come by here once - just once! - and know exactly what to say to one of your beautiful posts. Please note that my silence is me chewing up what you share here, and being beyond appreciative of it.

brittney’s last blog post..The number 11 & Jeffrey Foucault's Golden nugget

Lora Lynn
Reply July 9, 2009

Thank you for something to turn over in my head while I fight for survival today. Feels like waking up...

Lora Lynn’s last blog post..Mommy Travel Hacks

Jo@Mylestones
Reply July 9, 2009

I started to copy the lines that I loved the best, the ones I would say "YES!" to. And then I realized I would have to copy every one of the last eleven lines. So I'll just "YES!" and "thank you" to it all.

Jo@Mylestones’s last blog post..Who's faster than a speeding stroller?

Kimba @ A Soft Place to Land
Reply July 9, 2009

There were tears rolling down my face by the time I got to the end of this post.

I came to faith as an adult, so I clearly remember the rapturous feeling of salvation. Of finally knowing Him. The fire. The joy. The peace. I would jump out of bed, eager for Him. I devoured His Word because it fed my soul.

Now? I'm in mommy survival mode. I'm distracted by many things. My fire feels like it's been buried under a mountain of life and misplaced priorities.

I know what I need to do. I need to see 5am again. It's just different now. I'll do it because I know it's what I need to find my fire again. Before, it was my fire that drove me out of bed. Now I need to be driven out of bed to find my fire.

Kimba

Kimba @ A Soft Place to Land’s last blog post..DIY Day!

    Amber
    Reply July 9, 2009

    Kimba, that is exactly it. The fire will drive us again; I believe it.

Heather of the EO
Reply July 9, 2009

Thank you.

I'm just so amazed at how these words flow from you, completely inspired, reaching off the page. So beautiful.

Heather of the EO’s last blog post..Simple Shoes and a Discount for You!

alison
Reply July 9, 2009

You have put in words what I've been scrambling around , trying to say all day to my best friends who are with me on a retreat today--in sum, I need Him, oh how I need him.

Aunt Pam
Reply July 10, 2009

Alright, Amber! I just need to wait and put my make-up on after I read your post every morning!!!! (tears) I love your poetry, your inspirations, and your drive. Thanks for jump starting me again!

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