my Author, my Reader


I think I know my book. 

I had been asking God what to write, and in the mean time of not hearing, I thought of so many good ideas. Each one was like taking my pretty little maidservant and passing her along to my husband. Here. Birth me a story out of this. None of it ever felt right, and I kept getting mad at it.

Yesterday at church, we sang. I was begging, and I felt a chorus of beggars with me. We mute sang “Yahweh. Yahweh. Yahweh.” Fixed on Christ’s ability, the voices came out. 

And so I sat with a pen for the sermon, and instead I wrote a small unexpected outline. God pointed to Himself in it – a book that I want to read; a book that I’m supposed to write.

And for whom? We ask ourselves the writerly questions. Who is the audience? That is my desperate request – that I could desire the audience of One. 

I’m realizing lately how often I entertain everyone but the One who knitted me together. I am intentional to entertain friends and the church and my family. In the night, when my heart turns to a work horse inside of me, I entertain death. I lie awake and entertain pain and a vain imagination. 

And so I’m learning again, as I imagine we all do on our way to skindeath, on our way toward the veil and the birth into our real bodies, how to live here – how the practical day-to-day life feeds our incubating souls. The audience of One and what He demands in artistic adoration toward Himself is enough to fill our hearts and our minds. 

And what with my body and the things predestined for it to do, the unexciting provisions for the body that make way for the soul? I make the bed, unload the dishwasher, bake bread, organize the closets, and list my favorite meals.  I discipline myself to teach the boys Bible, their imaginations wandering, too. We train the physical, so the spiritual speaks in appropriate volume. 

Dear Jesus, my Reader, organize me so I can come out of this body having used it for what it was made.

amberhaines
About me

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17 Comments

Sara
Reply July 13, 2009

Oh mercy, this is good stuff. "I’m realizing lately how often I entertain everyone but the One who knitted me together. I am intentional to entertain friends and the church and my family. In the night, when my heart turns to a work horse inside of me, I entertain death. I lie awake and entertain pain and a vain imagination." Yes, I feel those words. This is good for me to read this morning. thank you.

Sara’s last blog post..a day at home

Cassie
Reply July 13, 2009

Very good post. I often wonder the lessons being in this body are to teach us...The reason we have it and how it should be viewed. Mostly we tend to look at our bodies as the reasons our souls are stuck here on earth but sometimes I wonder if our body gives us something we need until we are comfortable in our souls.
That was me rambling....lol

Cassie’s last blog post..Five to Read Friday

Holley
Reply July 13, 2009

Beautiful Amber, how much you must delight Father just by wanting to know how you can please Him. This has been my prayer lately, "How do I fall in love with You?" It feels safer, somehow, to simply obey than to abandon my heart to the unseen and let Him dance with me. Lord, give me the strength to be weak with longing for you.

Holley’s last blog post..Standing on the edge of words...

melody
Reply July 13, 2009

Amen

melody’s last blog post..to paint light

kristin
Reply July 13, 2009

Beautifully said.

"Dear Jesus, my Reader, organize me so I can come out of this body having used it for what it was made."

kristin’s last blog post..Amazing a cappella.

Debra
Reply July 13, 2009

Amber -
This is the first thing I've read this morning.
It will remain the best thing I read all day.
Thankyou.

Debra’s last blog post..7 Straight Days Achieving 7 Daily Goals = Accountability

Lora Lynn
Reply July 13, 2009

Oh, this is rich stuff.

Lora Lynn’s last blog post..Happily, No One Ran With Scissors Or Operated Heavy Machinery

Susan R
Reply July 13, 2009

Oh dear darling Amber... once again your words move me! As they are sure to move Him as well.

Susan R’s last blog post..It All Came Home

chelsea
Reply July 13, 2009

how I can relate on so many levels.... thank you for sharing, challenging, pushing, confessing. It was as much for me (and apparently many others) than it was for you.

chelsea’s last blog post..Bethany & Greg ~ the slideshow

Tamara
Reply July 13, 2009

I sincerely hope your audience of One will be willing to share... because I, for one, simply CAN'T WAIT to read what you will write. I don't even know you, and I'm so excited I could cry. How bizarre is that?

nic
Reply July 13, 2009

Yes. love you.

nic’s last blog post..And I Have Another Pair At Home!

Robin ~ PENSIEVE
Reply July 13, 2009

Once upon a time you said something to the effect of you could say "I love you" everytime you read my posts.

I feel the same way.

You slay me...and compel me toward MY audience of One I so often forget :/.

xo

Robin ~ PENSIEVE’s last blog post..No trombones led the little parade

Jo@Mylestones
Reply July 13, 2009

Amber, it is so exciting to see this coming together. Write for that audience of One and by it, we will all be edified.
I just love your heart, your depth and your words.

Jo@Mylestones’s last blog post..In Which Vacationland Finally Decides to Live Up to Its Name

BlueCastle
Reply July 13, 2009

This post joins another one of yours that's been percolating over and over in my brain. You've given me a lot to think on lately, and for that I thank you, even if it's pushing me towards something I don't understand yet.

God bless you.

BlueCastle’s last blog post..Price My Space

Ashley Shaver
Reply July 13, 2009

Sweet Amber,

That last line made me cry. Oh Jesus, "organize me so I can come out of this body having used it for what it was made." How I ache for that, as well.

Also, your juxtaposition of Jesus as your Author and your Reader is brilliant.

Praying for you as your write your book to him.

Ashley Shaver’s last blog post..Providence 1st Grade Swim Party

brooke
Reply July 14, 2009

perfect. you convict me!

alison
Reply July 16, 2009

At first reading this, I thought--finally! Now she will write that book that's been bubbling up inside her! And then, I thought, hello humility. I am the writer who writes for all except One. Now I have a new prayer.

Thank you.

alison’s last blog post..just to let you know....

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