my son: a future conservative in a naked peaceful “progressive” town


*UPDATE* {Imagine that you hear a drum roll.} AND THE FUNNIEST POST OF THE DAY IS ….. HAIR DESPAIR BY MYLESTONES!

ffI grew up in the country with a freezer full of meat. Besides the occasional hog and cow shipped to the butcher, my daddy killed poor innocent deer, and we ate them, and it never crossed my mind to be sad about it. As a matter of fact, I was very glad about it.

Now I live in Fayetteville, Arkansas, a place I consider just dirty enough with splashes of granola and a touch of academia. I love it.  We recycle here. We plant pretty flowers. We march naked in the street for peace … well, not me but … We love our strumming market, and we nod often to the man holding a petition to legalize marijuana. 

This does not at all change the fact that nothing sounds better to me right now than deer tenderloin on a biscuit. 

My daddy is 6 feet and 6 inches tall. He wears work boots, and there’s no chance on this green earth (especially if you heard him tell a story) that you wouldn’t admire him to pieces. And y’all, he shoots guns.

So, when a good friend and I took our littles to a university-sponsored Reading Course for pre-schoolers, and the teacher read aloud We’re Going on a Bear Hunt and then asked the class if they wanted to go on a pretend bear hunt, my firstborn in a revolutionary shout, said, “Well, we have get our GUNS first!” In immediate discomfort, trying to stifle laughter, I shushed him – and not because he had spoken without raising his hand. I stiffened. Another mommy really stiffened.

He then goes on to exclaim, as if we’re all a bunch of idiots, “Well, how will we KILL the bear if we don’t have our guns? 

This is when I wanted to grab the tale of my skirt and run to the stairs, “Stumble trip. Stumble trip. Stumble trip,” [you know the story] swishy-swashing and squelch-squerching all the way to my bed to pull the covers over my head! 

What would I even know what to do with a little girl? Ok, this isn’t funny, but I’ll take an E for Effort. Shameful as it may be, have your littles ever said something that made you want to run away from the scene?

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Leave a link in the comments to your funny post for the week. Spread the laughter or at least a grin, and tell us about your funniest memories, old or new. Use the button in the sidebar or link back to this post to spread the love. Come back and check out the other links, too. From now on, I’m calling this a contest. The funniest story gets a LINK SPOTLIGHT at the end of the day.

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Don’t forget to leave a comment here for an entry to win some bad to the bone earrings!greydrops

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Tweet with me? I’m Amberrunsamuck.

amberhaines
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28 Comments

Your Husband
Reply August 21, 2009

Let me be clear:

I have never signed the petition to legalize the Mary Jane.

Amber
Reply August 21, 2009

Well, we have to love the fuddyduds and the pot heads - the naked people and the soldiers - the meat eaters and the happy vegetarians.

kristin
Reply August 21, 2009

We were at library story time one Thursday I think. It was all about cats. Cats picture books. Cat rhymes. Kitty cat songs. Even feline puppets. When the proud librarian pulled out their newest fluffy soft, whiskered calico puppet, and meowed, a boy who shall remain nameless and thank God above he wasn't mine shouted, "Let's SHOOT it!" Yes, all we grown ups giggled with pursed lips. All but one that is. :)

Amber @ Classic Housewife
Reply August 21, 2009

OH MY. *giggle*
I say they invited trouble by reading that story in the first place. I mean, come on. It has HUNT in the title. ;)

BlueCastle
Reply August 21, 2009

First off, I adore that book. You know the part where it says something like: we can't go around it, we can't go over it, Oh NO, we have to go THROUGH it? For some odd reason that always reminds me of the trials and struggles in life. We have to go THROUGH them. My boys adore that book too.

Second, your kid's a boy! Enjoy the ride, 'cause it only gets crazier from here. :) God made him to subdue and conquer. So what if the world is crazy enough to think that's bad. I've got two little men of my own and they've embarrassed me plenty of times with their conquering ways. My oldest one was fit to be tied when I told him he could not, under ANY circumstances bring his play gun to the rodeo earlier this week. He just wanted to be a cowboy - I just wanted to avoid a spot on the front page of the newspaper. :)

brittney
Reply August 21, 2009

I always enjoy the funnies you tell that involve your little ones. This one, especially, because I have a sort-of hunting husband and a hunting dog and who knows if the Lord will give us a hunting child. But if He does, I'll be glad to look back and remember this story the moment a hunting comment comes out of his or her mouth.

Oh, and thank you, also, for bringing back childhood for me with the mention of that book!

Lora Lynn
Reply August 21, 2009

You would do fine with a girl. Her desire to hunt and kill wouldn't be as strong. And you might as well arm those fellas with toy guns and hang it up, b/c they'll make guns out of anything, whether you want 'em to or not. They'll try to bash each other's heads in, spill the other's guts, and break their own necks. Take your nerve pills and bear up, Mama. God gave you boys. Which means He also gave you strong cardiac material. :-) They're also the sweetest things when they give me tight-lipped little kisses and they smell good after a bath.

Here's our "pigs in mud" tale of the week:
http://www.vitafamiliae.com/?p=2324

hamster
Reply August 21, 2009

well, i got kids yet, but i like my friends' kids.

one of them recently in sunday school said a line that has had us in stitches round these parts for weeks. the topic was obedience. the teacher asked, "who are some people we should obey?"

mark's oldest son, being the do-gooder always, rasied his hand first and said, "God."

others said names like Jesus, parents, police officers, teachers, firemen (?), and adults.

burke, three years old and never wanting to feel let out, raised his hand. the teacher called on him and he franticly scrambled for the first name from the gospel stories he could think of. finally, he called out,

"satan. we obey satan."

the teacher, shocked and a bit appalled, tossed mark (who was there as an assistant) a bewildered look, then said to burke, "no, burke, we do not obey satan."

to which burke replied in full confidence, "but he turned into a snake!"

honestly, the kid's theology ain't all that wrong.

hamster
Reply August 21, 2009

oh, and that's supposed to say "i ain't got kids yet."

ain't yet. important distinction.

Sara
Reply August 21, 2009

Avery wore a holster w/ a water gun in it to the doctor this morning. ;) I love it. I love that those boys of mine are ready for a battle.

I have a funny today.

http://queen-of-the-house.blogspot.com/2009/08/as-heard-in-our-car-this-morning.html

Jo@Mylestones
Reply August 21, 2009

Amber, I'm so happy to see FF back that I drummed up a little something born out of my own personal heartbreak. I can't laugh about it yet, but maybe someone can.
http://mainelymyles.blogspot.com/2009/08/hair-despair.html

As for your gun-slinging bear killer, he get's a pass because he's cute. It's when they're 12 and they're turning blueberry bush branches into weapons and shooting innocent blueberry picking bystanders that we might get into a bit more trouble. At least that's what I told myself when my 4 yr old did that.

Jo@Mylestones
Reply August 21, 2009

oh my word, I can't believe I put an apostrophe in "get's"!
I guess I get's the award for wicked awful grammar today.

Emily M
Reply August 21, 2009

I was pushing my daughter through the crowded grocery store, and as we passed the beer case, she pointed and said, "Look, Mommy! Daddy's happy juice!" I heard lots of suppressed laughter and a few horrified gasps as I made a beeline for the next aisle.

A few years later, we're standing in line at Panera Bread. My son was running up and down the length of the counter, making machine noises and basically being obnoxious. My daughter turns to me and asks if I'm going to have any more children, because she would really like to have a baby sister. I said it didn't quite work that way; what if God chose to give us another boy? She looked at me with huge eyes, glanced at her brother, then looked back up at me and said, "Better not risk it." I thought the guy behind me was going to choke he was laughing so hard.

Joy P
Reply August 21, 2009

I just laughed through your sweet story -- love it :) With a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old of my own, I am only entering the world of embarrassing comments. The one I have so far:: (standing on our porch talking with our lovely 50 year-old widow-neighbor), my sweet little says while patting her tummy, "do you have a baby in your tummy?" I fumbled around with some nice comments, but in my mind was thinking "wow, it actually happened to me. Here we go."

Kelly
Reply August 21, 2009

Okay, here you go: a true story about someone who needs to be anonymous. ;-)

A little boy of about three years (whom we shall call "B") was in the grocery store one day with his mommy. As they were waiting in line at the checkout (you know, the checkout is the place where this kind of thing always happens, when all the other people in the store have nothing interesting to do but listen to YOUR child), B looked up in surprise, blurting out, "Mommy, Mommy! My boy part is growing!"

Mommy, preparing to die on the spot, hissed, "Hush, B; just leave it alone, and it will shrink!" She tried to ignore the amused looks she received from her fellow customers.

B responded to his mother's advice in abject horror, "But Mommy, if I don't read my Bible and pray every day, I'll shrink, shrink, shrink!"

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting
Reply August 21, 2009

Oh my, haha, I love it, how hilarious is he!

And Seth!! {giggle}

Cassandra Frear
Reply August 21, 2009

I have two boys. This is delightedly familiar.

melody
Reply August 21, 2009

Isaac would say that.
annnd i just wrote something on my blog that said AMBER to me.
and i love you. and you are incredible. and when you write, there is more order in the world. so thank you for writing.

Boy Crazy
Reply August 21, 2009

just the other day at an extended-family cook-out I was sitting slouched over on the ground with my three year old on my lap, facing me. He touched my stomach (which still pooches out as evidence of the baby I had 8 months ago), and then looks at my chest. "Do you have two breastses, Mama?" And while, yes, I have do technically have two, he was referring to the set up top and what appeared to be a rack of soft roundness protruding below the upper rack. "No, Eli," I tell him, supressing laughter and shooting my mother and sister looks of disbelief. "Is it your fat roll?" he asks.

That one, I couldn't deny. Little stinker....

Janna
Reply August 22, 2009

Laughter feels so good this morning. My kids are away for the weekend at Mimi's and all these stories are apt to make me miss them.

Those liberals over in Fayetteville -- send 'em out campin' in the Ozarks for a week and see if they don't want a gun to kill SOMETHIN' afterward.

BTW, even though it's now Saturday, some lady I know was out with her husband last night and when they got up to leave their dinner table, she misjudged where the bench and table booth ended and landed, BOOM!, on her little tushy. A waitress asked if she was ok, but she was laughing so hard at her embarassed self that she couldn't answer. Thankfully, her husband came over and helped her up and they continued to have a wonderfully fun night.

Autumn Brown
Reply August 22, 2009

I have to say that I don't remember not knowing how to shoot a gun. I learned how to properly load and shoot a muzzel(sp) loader (Like good ole Jonny Reb and his friends). I was an "only" child until I was 9. My father did not care. I hunted. I fished. We explored Arkansas' "wilderness." I cherish every part of it. Before "baby fat" I probably could have covered a wooded area faster than a baby deer. I have alway been at home in the dirt, up a tree or climbing up the side of a mountain. Not rock climbing, mind you. I have the upper boady strength of a TRex. I think one of my favorite times is when my daddy took me to look for the indian (yes I know native american) ghost on the "mountain" (actually inches from being a mountain) between waldron and fort smith. So girls raised on beef jerky sticks, deer camp and moon pies turn out okay. I don't think I would go hunting again, but the time with nature...ohhhhh...so wonderful. Also, fried squirrel tastes good!

Amber
Reply August 22, 2009

Autumn, DITTO to every stitch of that, except

squirrels.

I always imagine holding up this small crispy thing and scraping my teeth along a tiny bone for a pinch of brown meat that tasted like the grease of a tree rat.

Amber
Reply August 22, 2009

but I have eaten a squirrel, and I was proud to shuffle leaves in the woods while my daddy shot squirrels. That's all.

Country girls REVEALED.

Megan@SortaCrunchy
Reply August 22, 2009

Oh, Amber. That is all KINDS of hysterical! and I have to say I am about as Peace Sign Progressive as they come and even I would have giggled my bootie off in that situation. Of course, I live in small town Oklahoma, so as a progressive I am daily allowed many lessons in not taking myself too seriously. and the occasional perfectly cooked venison stew does make it all easier to swaller.

Milton
Reply August 23, 2009

COUNTRY GIRLS in the house, yo! Got my first pic in camo when I was probably eight years old.

Y'all, I was THERE! And, I was caught right up in the story Isaac was telling. He was taking us all on the non-advertised "bear hunt" that you won't find in any hunting magazine, brochure or Google search. At the end, and for clarity, he even said, "Yeah, but after you catch them [the bears], you have to let 'em go." How thoughtful, ya know? Great mind. Great story, Isaac! And one more thing ... it does our "progressive" kind good to be reminded of middle-Americans ever' now 'n then.

Amber, how was dancing? D'ya shake that thang just a little bit?

P.S. Thanks for the link love sista. I just checked my 'puter for the first time ALL weekend. You're the best!

jennifer
Reply August 24, 2009

laughter is so good. thanks for sharing.

Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt
Reply August 24, 2009

Um, yes, my kids have embarrassed me more times than I can count. I've forever banned my hubby from teaching them the anatomical names of body parts after I attempted bra shopping with them once.

Minnesotamom
Reply August 25, 2009

We had no woods where I grew up (the flat river valley of northern MN), but I started shooting pop cans and gophers as soon as I could shoulder a .22!

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