Sanctity of Human Life


I’ve said it before: “The thing about abortion is that many, many women have them. Your closest friends. And they don’t tell you. We can carry grief like a tight lead jacket under our prettiest blouses and never say a thing” (TheRunamuck, Jan. 27, 2009.)

I’ve sat down to write this post at least five times, and it feels impossible.

It’s hard to turn around to the past and face chest-crushing reality. My firstborn grew inside me for twelve weeks, and then a guy I barely knew drove me to a far away clinic and paid $500 to remove what we made together, a tiny baby, with my eyes and skin, maybe a girl, an endless possibility.

Even at the time, I couldn’t justify it. I wailed in a quiet room with at least thirty other women in a first-come first-serve line that meandered from one room into another, where they gave a pill for relaxation. A nurse told me to stop crying, said it wasn’t that big of a deal, and I know she had to have believed that or was trying to convince herself, too.

The girl sitting next to me was having her third abortion. Despondent, she gave me her phone number, said I could call to talk. “It’s better than the other options,” she said, and I agreed. That’s why I was there.

I didn’t know I had any other options, drowning in the fear to disappoint.

 

And I still can’t imagine it, what it would have been like to have chosen the right way. I had moved out of state (to a Christian University) for the procedure. I moved there, and I shape-shifted, growing in the middle, then shrinking drastically, a spiral so unhealthy that my skin turned grey.

I don’t know what it would have looked like for me to make it with that baby, my life already walking the edge of hard addiction, my heart so far from God.

All I know is that I’m sobbing now, even after so much healing and being wrapped over and over in grace.

All I know is that I chose wrong, and I miss not having her as if I’ve looked deep into her eyes and loved her like a helpless child.

All I know is that, even in pain so intense as this, God sent her, and in all my trying to run from Him, He saved me, and He saved me by using her precious life.

Without that planted seed that multiplied and attached to me, a cord of life between us, and without my hopeless choice to cut that life from me, I wouldn’t know how desperately needy I was to be grafted into a lifeline, a bloodline so pure.

So when Jesus wooed me into Himself, and when I came with nothing to offer but bad decisions, He took it all. He took her. He took addiction. And in her place he gave me Redemption, this beautifully sober story to tell, because her life is as meaningful as the one I breathe in right now.

This post was originally written for A Life in Need of Change for Sanctity of Human Life week.

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A note to those of you who are Pro-Choice: I understand it. I do. I understood so much that I did it, and I hadn’t been forced into my pregnancy, and my pregnancy was not life threatening to me. This is simply my story, and I’m honored that you would read it, and if you disagree with me, I certainly have no stones to throw. I do strongly believe that a baby is a baby, but I throw no stones.

I’m begging us all to pursue LIFE. So Pro-Lifers, I beg that of you, too.

We all like to think we know what we would do in a given situation. We like to think a lot of things about ourselves, but the truth is that we are weak. Truth is truth, but/and I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Grace.

amberhaines
About me

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18 Comments

Tammy@If Meadows speak...
Reply January 18, 2010

Bless you Amber! Youre story, or nightmare (as it seems), is touching and needed. We see HIM glorified from the ashes. Keep sharing!

PS I posted a comment on Brooke's page as well.

Hannah Beth
Reply January 18, 2010

Amber, thank you so much for sharing your story in a powerful way. I praise God that he takes us as we are, grafting us into his pure bloodline. A lifeline. What a beautiful picture of Grace. He is so good, I am often so overwhelmed.

    Amber
    Reply January 18, 2010

    Dear Hannah Beth,
    Overwhelmed is the perfect word for it. If I weren't overwhelmed, I think I'd be stuck in too many old sad ways.

    Thanks for visiting here.
    Amber

To Think Is To Create
Reply January 18, 2010

I read Romans 8 today for my own soul, and I thought of it again as I read your story. The whole chapter is so powerful, but this part struck me...

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." --Romans 8:14-18

Our sufferings are so, so temporary. Peace to you sweet friend. xoxo

    Amber
    Reply January 18, 2010

    Dear To Think Is To Create,

    And also with you. That is perfect, a chapter I need to memorize.

    You're encouragement right now is especially strong.

Victoria
Reply January 18, 2010

Amber, this could have been my story.

The pressure on the pregnant girls of the world is so immeasurable that things such as abortion suddenly become an "option" when placed up against the alternative. My own teenage pregnancy was greeted with suggestions of abortion and pre-arranged plans to give my child to parents who would love him. As if I couldn't or wouldn't. Your path easily could have been mine.

I wish I could have held your hand then and told you it was a big deal since the world around you wouldn't. I needed that so much, too. Instead, I'll hold your hand today and praise with you over our God--He's kinda like the biggest deal. Ever.

The way God is using your heartache and redemption is tangible, sweet sister!

I love you,
Victoria

Anna Kathryn
Reply January 18, 2010

Amber,
You are endlessly amazing.Sometimes,inside the dark places where I almost drown,I hear your words and they comfort me.You know my darkness,and you were there for me because of your own.I am bawling my eyes out as I type this.I am proud to call you family.I love you so much!

Muthering Heights
Reply January 18, 2010

I'm off to read...your transparency, and willingness to share your struggles as a means to help others is so, so precious.

Adventures In Babywearing
Reply January 18, 2010

Love you dearly.

Steph

Brooke McGlothlin
Reply January 18, 2010

Amber your heart has touched so many today...and will continue to touch them for as long as you're given your life and breath and bring...because you're heart is to share Him. Him Who loves, restores, carries and makes beauty from ashes. He carries you well my friend. Thank you for gracing the simple pages of my blog today and for the hope you've given many in His Name...the Name to be praised above all others.

Your sister in Christ,
Brooke

Aimee
Reply January 19, 2010

I wish I had perfect words for you, Amber. Your transparency and honesty is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I could give you real hugs, but these will have to do. (((Hugs)))

Megan
Reply January 19, 2010

Thank you for sharing. I know that this was not an easy thing to do, to put yourself out there like this. I've written my own story and erased it several times, scared to share. You are very brave and God is using you to touch hearts.
I am the other side of this story. The one that sat in the clinic and ran away. Now I look at my son who is so like me and wonder how I came so close to giving him up, and I have to cry out to God for his grace again.

Ari
Reply January 20, 2010

Thank you so much again for sharing your story. Reading your blog has helped me to accept my own story. I needed that. Thank you. Bless you.

Jenn
Reply April 11, 2011

You are so brave for sharing this! I won't lie I'm crying into my tea here....this is so beautiful, the stuff heaven is made of really, redemption and grace.

I remember when I started volunteering at our pregnancy care center. I was shocked at their "pro-life" stand. While they would not refer for abortions, they welcomed the women back with love who chose to have them. They counseled on the after affects of abortion and told them that if that was the choice they chose, that the centre would be there to help them work through it afterwards. My somewhat conservitavily raised young christian mind balked at the seeming "condoning of the behaviour".

Oh how young and naive I was. What they were offering was so for life. That every woman would find her fullest life in Christ. I grieve with you for your loss, but rejoice with you in the love you've found.

Tiffany
Reply April 11, 2011

Wow. You are amazing. And brave. And you story make me cry. My tears are because I understand. I have been there. I have made this wrong choice. I have carried this secret with me for 13 years. I have believed that if anyone knew they would leave me. I finally broke my silence last week here http://brokentelegraph.com/2011/04/06/abortion-and-my-journey-back-to-grace/. The stories of God's love and grace have been almost overwhelming to me.
Thank you for being brave. Thank you for sharing your story. It is women like you that allow girls like me to know that we are not alone. And it reiterates in my head that God is gracious and he forgives even girls like me.

Megan Willome
Reply April 14, 2011

What a powerful post! I came over here from Jennifer's "Getting Down With Jesus" blog.

Do you think it's changing? In the last couple of years, TV and movies portray more girls giving birth (either to keep or adopt) than getting abortions. And I've found that only the very rich can afford any sort of "choice." I think the tide has already turned and no one seems to have noticed.

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