A NightLight: On the Winter of Waiting
NightLight will post every Friday with encouragement for and questions from younger women. No matter your age, you are older and wiser than some, and you’ve been equipped to share through your story. Please read the guidelines and consider submitting questions or posts of encouragement or advice to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The following post, submitted via email rings true even to me, a woman 10+ years married. Let’s respond to her in grace and also acknowledge the wisdom she shares.
The Winter of Waiting
Oh, how I have got myself in a difficult place with this sweet, mismatched man who has declared his affection for me! I wrote him a letter saying that we are not meant to be at least for now, which I still fully advocate in my head, and even deepest in my heart: for I cannot deny that there is no peace, no deep and unconditional peace there on his behalf.
The problem is that my heart was beginning to bloom under his attentions, feeling the sweet affirmation of being beautiful, and since I made my side clear, these pleasant words have stopped. His eyes still say that he thinks I’m pretty, but there are no words to confirm it. I myself chose to cut off this source of sunshine, return to the Winter of Waiting; now my heart must wilt back into the dormant state of sitting patiently, indefinitely, until the right and true source of Spring might come along.
I see why the Shulammite adjured so passionately the daughters of Jerusalem not to awaken love until it desired! For once the beautiful warmth of the sun has been felt, how much colder blows the wind when it is again clouded over.
Thus I must plod, Do patient, Do honest, Do humble, forgetting the profound delight of feeling a man’s admiration, and knowing that true Beauty and Love is yet to be found, infinitely better than this.
The melancholy version of this, which I have felt to my core in these transitory days, is ‘how does one deal with Lonely?‘ for I have heard that it is impossible to be complete when together with a man if one is not complete before his entrance.
This presents me with a paradox! For Jesus is wonderful, absolutely my Prince of Peace and the Savior not only of my soul but daily of my heart and its whims; but He created in me the desire to be with a man, to care for a man, to be cared for by a man. I have some Lonely in my heart that only He can fill, but also some that only -he- can fill. What do I do? In the moment that it strikes me, to what can I turn my thoughts? What do I read, whom do I call, what do I run far away from thinking? I can say to myself, ‘all in good time, dear, and how wonderful it shall be!’ but that does not fill the ache.
This time is not without its joys.. all I can do is live on, with my eyes closed and my faith open.