giving up asking for tomorrow’s bread


I’ve heard of people waking up to what they thought were fine marriages and being told things were falling apart. I’ve seen desperate faces and people being willing to do what it takes to be healthy again. I’ve seen people completely stop eating sugar so their tumors would shrink. I’ve seen alcoholic atheists believe so radically, whisked into faith, that they turned their backs on the bottle and chosen lives of service to the poorest of poor.

Most of my prayers only say “help me.” My faith is weak at best. So before I continue this post and let anyone go on thinking that my last post is a reflection of how faith feels to me on a daily basis, I need it to be known that dark days have pressed down on me so hard that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. Let it be known that any faith I exhibit here is for your encouragement, because the dark days are a blackest real backdrop for me. When I describe some freedom I’ve found and a rush I’ve been feeling, please hear me say – I was desperate and was forced to desire whatever it was God wanted for me. In paralysis, I would have done anything to walk again.

I finally meant it when I told GOD that I would give up my vision for my life. Ha! I finally meant it when I said I would give up this blog. I give up the design, the creative outlet, the “community.” I have finally said with an honest heart that I’m willing, even longing, to do whatever it takes, wherever it takes me, to live in close community with God, Shekinah Glory leading me through desert toward home. I got really tired of eating sand.

I’ve learned that I’ve been blocked from achieving personal holiness because I have denied giving my life to Christ, especially to the least of these, for the orphan and the widow. We can’t have true religion without being willing to give who we are and what we have, trading in our own identity for Christ’s. This is strong wording, I know. And as of yet, I haven’t achieved anything but a realization.

I’ve often worshiped and questioned whether or not I even meant the words I was saying. Fake it till you make it.

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

I am a wreck. I feel like I’ve been spiritually starved, and that even by God’s grace so that when I eat, it would be ravenous – like when I first believed.

I’m not yet, but I want to be finished with an unradical life, with asking for my yearly, monthly, and weekly bread. I’m learning that a growing faith for one who already believes is not easy and yet very simple. Believe today that He is what you need for today. I am trying to live in that, and I’m mostly failing, but I can’t explain how free I feel now compared to before.

amberhaines
About me

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17 Comments

Ashleigh (Heart and Home)
Reply May 11, 2010

I'm here, with you, in this place... the learning to grow while already believing. The being unsure of what belief is. Knowing He's strong enough, wise enough, loving enough to carry me when I don't know the next step. The complete surrender. The desperation. The wanting, needing, of life complete and lost in Him. The fearful trust. I'm here and it's painful and it's good and it's beautiful and it's bittersweet. I hear your heart... I love your transparency.

Lisa-Jo @thegypsymama
Reply May 11, 2010

Yes, this - "Believe today that He is what you need for today. " Me too. I want to live like that. I want to stop praying for peace, for faith, for love, for patience, for kindness. I want to start praying for Jesus. Just Jesus. Because He is the heart of all those things. And if I can just cling on to that strong, raw carpenter's hand, He will pull me forward into all those things too.

I love your heart, Amber.

~Lisa-Jo

Melissa Brotherton
Reply May 11, 2010

Such an honest and powerful post. It's in our vulnerability, in our reality, that God meets us. I believe that in these moments it is the Holy Spirit spurring us on towards a deeper level of intimacy and relationship. I find that my faith isn't so much a flowing but a series of fits & starts. I picture it like salmon climbing a fish ladder: "Ok, I made the leap to the next level. Time to gear up for another one." God doesn't weary of us as much as we do ourselves. I think the very fact that you have this desire to see more from our walk, to press closer and reach higher, is evidence of God working in you. Blessings on you during this time and praying for renewed passion, deeper knowledge and stronger belief...something I think everyone could use. :)

Kristen@Moms Sharpening Moms
Reply May 11, 2010

I am convicted to quit borrowing trouble, but to pray for just what I need today. I wonder how much of today I miss because I'm so driven towards tomorrow?

You are fabulous, Amber. Thank you for this!

tiny twig
Reply May 11, 2010

absolutely beautiful words. while difficult and simple at the same time, the Lord made the Christian life constantly fresh and challenging and yet strikingly uncomplicated. i just absolutely love the heart and encouragement you bring to this space.

Tammy@If Meadows speak...
Reply May 11, 2010

Amber, I too know the weary and backdrop of blackness. Where lifting our heads is an effort, but in them I've found, is where we press in to His lightness. And I've also realized the weary most often comes from myself, of where I weary myself, of well, myself. Tired of my skin, my trappings, my looping in the brain where I get stuck until I reach out for His Hand, His skin and begin again. Returning to His lightness is what keeps me in the day (and out of night). Thanks Amber for sharing, I feel you and even better is you feeling HIM.

nicole
Reply May 11, 2010

thanks for being so honest. This was a really great post. thanks for sharing. :)

Sara Sophia
Reply May 12, 2010

I watched a documentary the other night--Letters to Zachary.
It shook me to my core.

I stayed awake until six a.m., shaking in the floor of my daughters nursery ---crying out to my Father, tears streaming down my face....
because I cannot fathom. CANNOT FATHOM, the pain and suffering that the world endures. And how I long--LONG with ounce of passion my soul can muster--to see as He sees, to comprehend my place in His Creation.

I want every radical moment right along with you.
To go past the crumbs of yesterday--
plate full to share at a moments notice.

And I hope in earnest for Him to come back.
To dance.

So my comment becomes a jumbled tangle of arm-words that reach out to reach with you. To hold the world, and every soul. To bear up everything and spark my willingness to the Eyes that Love.

Sister Amber, me too.

Danielle
Reply May 12, 2010

"Believe today that He is what you need for today." Like you say, so simple and true, yet hard to do!

My husband taught my 3 year old son, struggling with being afraid of the dark, "Jesus, help, Amen." Sometimes that's the only prayer we need to pray.

Meg
Reply May 13, 2010

"Believe today that He is what you need for today..."

A beautiful, simple, complex truth all at once. Thank you for sharing this. I have been going through a tough spot, and really needed to hear this. Blessings.

Stephanie
Reply May 14, 2010

I'm praying with you that we will get a deeper revelation of Jesus, that He alone is our fulfillment, contentment, satisfaction, peace. Our all in all. And I'm trusting with you that we'll do the good works He prepared beforehand for us to do. I too want to do more to minister to the poor and needy. Lead us daily Lord!

I know what you meant about "I can’t explain how free I feel now compared to before. He already knows the truth of who and where we are and loves us so perfectly and unconditionally, and when we live in the Truth as well, it really does set us free. Thanks for inspiring us with your freedom. x

Jennifer Sikora
Reply May 15, 2010

I think we all are stuggling to find that place here lately. Love this post. I am SO there right now it is not even funny.

Loretta
Reply May 15, 2010

Absolutely beautiful, and so very, very true.

Thank you.

Ann Voskamp
Reply May 17, 2010

I love you.
That really just says it all.

And you are not alone, never alone.

Joy
Reply May 17, 2010

Oh...Amber...

This- am a wreck. I feel like I’ve been spiritually starved, and that even by God’s grace so that when I eat, it would be ravenous – like when I first believed.. YES. Yes.

You just put to words something I've been staring at.
How grateful I am, as Ann said, that we don't walk this journey alone.

carrien (she laughs at the days)
Reply May 19, 2010

I've kept this post open for days now, a tab reminding me that I want to say something, even though the words wouldn't come. Because I know where you are, and what it feels like. I know the relief of letting go, and the freedom it brings. I know what it is to finally trust, though there are no assurances, because God is GOOD. That's all I need to know.

And I also know that "Give us today our daily bread" is just as easily read, in the original language, "Give us today our bread for tomorrow" and that it's ok to ask for that too. The point is to trust.

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