giving up asking for tomorrow’s bread
I’ve heard of people waking up to what they thought were fine marriages and being told things were falling apart. I’ve seen desperate faces and people being willing to do what it takes to be healthy again. I’ve seen people completely stop eating sugar so their tumors would shrink. I’ve seen alcoholic atheists believe so radically, whisked into faith, that they turned their backs on the bottle and chosen lives of service to the poorest of poor.
Most of my prayers only say “help me.” My faith is weak at best. So before I continue this post and let anyone go on thinking that my last post is a reflection of how faith feels to me on a daily basis, I need it to be known that dark days have pressed down on me so hard that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. Let it be known that any faith I exhibit here is for your encouragement, because the dark days are a blackest real backdrop for me. When I describe some freedom I’ve found and a rush I’ve been feeling, please hear me say – I was desperate and was forced to desire whatever it was God wanted for me. In paralysis, I would have done anything to walk again.
I finally meant it when I told GOD that I would give up my vision for my life. Ha! I finally meant it when I said I would give up this blog. I give up the design, the creative outlet, the “community.” I have finally said with an honest heart that I’m willing, even longing, to do whatever it takes, wherever it takes me, to live in close community with God, Shekinah Glory leading me through desert toward home. I got really tired of eating sand.
I’ve learned that I’ve been blocked from achieving personal holiness because I have denied giving my life to Christ, especially to the least of these, for the orphan and the widow. We can’t have true religion without being willing to give who we are and what we have, trading in our own identity for Christ’s. This is strong wording, I know. And as of yet, I haven’t achieved anything but a realization.
I’ve often worshiped and questioned whether or not I even meant the words I was saying. Fake it till you make it.
Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.
I am a wreck. I feel like I’ve been spiritually starved, and that even by God’s grace so that when I eat, it would be ravenous – like when I first believed.
I’m not yet, but I want to be finished with an unradical life, with asking for my yearly, monthly, and weekly bread. I’m learning that a growing faith for one who already believes is not easy and yet very simple. Believe today that He is what you need for today. I am trying to live in that, and I’m mostly failing, but I can’t explain how free I feel now compared to before.