Let’s Talk about Sex: Incredible Sex in Marriage
The following post is from the incredible Jane Anne from Gravity of Motion. I know you’ll love her as much as I do. Please check out her blog – the real deal. Thanks for visiting us today, and please do join the conversation in the comments. Also, don’t forget to check out !deaCamp! This week there is much needed transparency dealing with sexual abuse in an open way on their blog. I’m certainly not ignoring the topic, but I wanted to share this great post with you as a sort of healthy goal – even for those of us who battle unhealthy pasts or unhealthy thoughts about SEX.
Incredible Sex in Marriage
I love sex. It’s true. I am happily married (celebrating 15 years this month) and I enjoy sex.
Lots of women do not enjoy sex. I have friends that don’t. Don’t get me wrong, sex isn’t something I normally talk about. My friends and I don’t talk about sex –because, well, we just don’t. But, there was that one time, when the subject came up –probably because someone said they had to shave their legs or something- and a friend said, “Oh, that’s right, I forgot, you like it.” I was sitting at dinner with two married women and I was the anomaly. That was just one of the many times that I was saddened by the reality that it can be more accepted for women to dread sex than enjoy it.
I believe that sex within marriage should be fulfilling, and even, dare I say it, exciting.
I was a newly-wed when a co-worker told me she liked to set the TV to the right channel before bed so she could watch TV during sex. I was stunned. She said, “Just wait.”
Too many women (and men) have negative attitudes and faulty approaches to sex. Sex is God-designed and God-given. God wants us to enjoy sex within marriage. God invented sex. He created men and women and then told them to have sex. In Genesis (2:24), it says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” It goes on to say that Adam and Eve were naked and felt no shame. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable…to both the husband and wife.
Relationships can always improve. To that end, I think marriage seminars, workshops, and books are wonderful self-help tools to grow depth in marriage. However, many of these tools have one premise that I disagree with: Men have a need for sex and women don’t. Women are essentially taught that they don’t have a strong sexual desire but they should be willing for their husband. I recently read this chapter title in a Christian book on marriage: “Sexuality – Appreciate his Desire for Sexual Intimacy”.
Does anyone else see have a problem with that? The author assumes my husband has a sexual desire that I don’t have- and implies that’s the way it should be.
Wait. Um, I like being intimate with my husband.
I desire my husband. And, I feel good about it.
It is right for me to desire my husband. As my love grows, so does my desire for him.
A few weeks ago, my husband shared a Men’s Health post (http://www.menshealth.com/confessions/index.html) with me. Part of the article dealt with sex. The author of the article, Hugh O’Neill, had good advice for men. He also described the different approaches we have on sex:
“She needs closeness to feel sexual; you need sex to feel close. This is the fundamental impenetrable puzzle of love. I have no idea what to do about this. But great husbands have this reality in mind at all times.”
Great women have it in mind, too. Guess what, gals? This “puzzle of love” not only explains a great disconnect, it may explain why you don’t enjoy sex. Keeping it in mind will help you work to attain closeness as a precursor to sex.
Sex is not supposed to make you feel uncomfortable (read that as uneasy, unconfident, awkward, or anything negative). Sex is for pleasure. It is pleasure for you.
If you do feel uncomfortable or inadequate, let me suggest, the problem is not with you. The problem is not sex. The problem is mostly likely the simple (yet difficult) disconnect of how you’re achieving closeness to your spouse.
Sometimes, sex isn’t that great. No one wants to say that (and my husband doesn’t want to read it), but it’s the truth. Sometimes, everything doesn’t work out just right. Other times, it’s amazing. It is oh-my-goodness-I-can’t-believe-how-good-that-felt amazing (now there’s a smile on my husband’s face). Sex is intended for the delight of the couple. Just as a case of bad breath doesn’t end future kissing, poor timing (or lack of enough foreplay) shouldn’t result in a diminished desire for sex. My man may need Listerine for his bad breath – but he’s still a good kisser. You may need to talk about your needs, or what could have been better (which will grow your desire and closeness) -but you can still have good sex.
What I wish is that the Christian community, the church, would encourage men and women to draw close to each other and be open about their desires and inhibitions. It’s time to deemphasize that men need sex and women need romance. Everyone needs to believe: Good sex is available for married couples. Good sex consists of both physical stimulation and intimacy. Good sex requires good communication.
We need to change the focus. Sexual pressure for women (to be sexually available) does not aide a growing healthy marriage. Incredible sex will happen with openness, honesty, and a positive attitude. Good sex (baring some kind of physically limitation) is available to every married couple. Every wife can look forward to intimacy with her husband.
When God created the world, including Adam and Eve and sex, he looked at his creation and said it was “very good”. You can love sex. It was created to be “very good” (i.e., incredible).