On Being


I do believe this child will be observant, this one inside who seems to feel every wall as for memory’s sake. As he takes a heel now and runs it slowly out and down toward my ribs is how he’ll use his eyes in restaurants. He’ll watch people and know. Maybe he’ll be my writer.

Maybe that explains my lack of anything to say. Rather than writing, I’ve never been more okay with just being, even though the being means tired and throbbing veins or 4 slices of pizza then a grocery list. Sometimes the being means Ian running to me and saying he’ll never leave me. Sunday he said, “wherever you go, I go, too.”

I smile at a hug today and know tomorrow will be good, too, even though his leaving is an expected moment of pride and humility, loss and gain all at once.

Yesterday I made Isaac cry, the one who slips so quickly into maturity. He saw how mad I’d become at the way they cleaned their room, making a tower of junk in the corner to get the job done quickly. I soak them in, enjoy being mother, and then I lose it over ‘hero guys’ at the bottom of the block box. The being is easy, but the being joyful isn’t always.


I decide to take us to the park as part of repentance.

The wind blows our hair and gives us chills while the sun warms us in healing ways. The park makes us instant friends with other families just coming to be. Isaac is missing his four front teeth and looks about as goofy as he possibly could.

A gorgeous 6 year old girl runs to the top of the slide where he courageously swings his body in a flying leap.  She calls down to him, “How old are you?”

“I’m 6!” he says. “Me too” she smiles, “but I’ve only lost one tooth.”  He consoles her, immediate connector. She thinks he’s so cool.

I turn invisible on the bench – just being, but ‘mama’ isn’t my only name.

Jude calls it anyway, “Mama! Watch!” He’s been in some amazing occupational therapy concerning senses and dealing with fear and anger. His own therapy has been my own. He swings his body out over two poles that make a slide. His arms go up in the air.

“Be careful, Baby!”

“I know. Yes ma’am.”

Then he runs back up to do it again. A month ago would have looked nothing like this for him. Or for me, our progress creeping glacier-slow.

Sometimes, though, we do the most steady moving in the stillness. Eyesight develops right now in my womb. This week he can see light shining through my skin.

Consider what it means to have Christ-Esteem,

the many names He gives.

Be still and know God – and thereby, who you really are.

amberhaines
About me

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15 Comments

eloranicole
Reply May 17, 2011

oh this makes me all kinds of happy. i love it - all of it - but especially this:

"I do believe this child will be observant, this one inside who seems to feel every wall as for memory’s sake. As he takes a heel now and runs it slowly out and down toward my ribs is how he’ll use his eyes in restaurants. He’ll watch people and know. Maybe he’ll be my writer."

such a beautiful picture of motherhood and knowing and being. praying for you as you prepare to meet this little one you already know so well.

    Amber
    Reply May 17, 2011

    Thank you so much, Elora. It is cool to carry them and pray for them and develop a sense for who they are because of the way prayer is initiated in you, I believe by the Holy Spirit. I knew them all in ways before they were born.

Kristen@Chasing Blue Skies
Reply May 17, 2011

Good gracious, your words are so sweet for my soul. Even if I always feel unworthy to comment on them.

I love reading about your babies, too. Being more still today thanks to you...

Shannon
Reply May 17, 2011

I love your words and your sweet belly. I know that you look beautiful, glowing with baby inside. The picture of Ike and Jude made me cry... I sure love all four of those boys. Miss you.

Jenn
Reply May 17, 2011

I love the Christ-esteem...He gives us many names. This is the answer to my thoughts today. I've deconstructed all the names we call each other...it's time to write some new ones, ones He has called me.

katie
Reply May 17, 2011

oh, yes. the ways we know our babies before they are even born. and the way each child shows us more of who we are.

it is surely okay, and crucial, to simply be at this stage of lifemaking. i remember that feeling. carrying my first baby was such an active time for me, while carrying my daughter was more of a meditative process. i was able to let go and get to know her inside me instead of get to know myself as mother-to-be.

blessings on your sweet family...

LoraLynn
Reply May 17, 2011

Ohhh, hello baby-bump! So glad you shared. And your words are as beautiful as that belly. :-)

Danelle Townsend
Reply May 18, 2011

"I decide to take us to the park as repentance."
You know my heart. From the easy "being" to the hard "joy".
I've been known to lose it over the hero man in the block box too. .
and then I want to take them to the park because I know I'm wrong and joy is there waiting if I just allow myself to grab it and realize it.
And like Kristen, I also feel unworthy to comment on your beautiful words, but yet, I love to hope that you find my words encouraging.
I feel like your writing is a gift and I want to write a "thank you "note.
Have a beautiful day Amber!

Marilyn
Reply May 20, 2011

"Being is easy, but the being joyful isn’t always." Beautifully said. I enjoyed musing the fact that you find blessed contentment, even if it means you have little to say at the moment.....at at a time you are bursting with a pregnancy, on the verge of something new being birthed. There is a profound truth here. How blessed is the person who can rest and just be AND enjoy it!

Elizabeth @claritychaos
Reply May 20, 2011

Oh, we're on a shared wavelength this week, my dear. Maybe it's the boys, maybe it's just being mama. But this resonates and I've sat with and wrote out similar thoughts just days ago.

I love that they say 'yes ma'am'... xo

laura@life overseas
Reply May 20, 2011

I have loved following you along on your pregnancy. I feel like you've let us all in on a pretty-sacred process. It's fun to be carried with you. You are one cute prego-mama.

Teri @ StumblingAroundInTheLight
Reply May 21, 2011

Beautiful, beautiful, BEing words...vulnerable truth, revealing our sisterhood of striving and falling, climbing, jumping, stumbling...
What a gift to my Saturday morning!
Thank you, Amber!

Erika
Reply May 21, 2011

Love this, Amber. Love.

Zena
Reply May 21, 2011

my son recently sat next to another first grade girl and whispered in her ear. they both laughed and laughed and later when i asked him what they said, he wouldn't tell me.

thank you for the reminder that mama is not my only name.

~zena

gitz
Reply June 1, 2011

i love seeing, through this post, how much you love him already. how much his observant self is coming from you. how treasured the child in you is to you. he's seeing light through your skin already just like you're seeing light within him already. it's beautiful.

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