Coming to Life
Sometimes everything comes to a mental hault, and I don’t hold my breath, but rather I close my eyes, and I slowly breathe in and note in my spirit’s longhand: I deserve death, but look what’s instead.
How did I get chosen to have four boys? Feel the weight. No really. Feel it. Canon balls of education and discipline, the universes of sex and money.
How did I get Seth? Picture him, in the middle of that wedding party this weekend, hands in pants pockets, tweed jacket. He was smiling at me, way down there, as I stood with two plates of cake on the balcony desperately searching the crowd for his dark hair. Our eyes still lock.
So much of even my complaints are blessings.
I’ve never written about cocaine here or any of the other drugs. I’ll never write about the soul-ties that weren’t mine to make. None but Seth is true. There are dark corners and addictions passed from every generational direction, and I have felt the pulse of lust turn my eyes red. I’ve gone nearly out like a gray coal. I’m not sure any of that will ever come to more words.
But today, the boys get out of bed, slapping their feet to the floor, squinty morning eyes, and batman characters in hand. They walk out and declare, “This morning we’re going to share.”
My insides twirl, and I might explode.
Make them men of prayer, discipline.
The rain will keep us in today. It’ll wash the pollen from the air. We’ll read the Bible like it’s urgent, like it’s literature, like it’s our future-tense, real life.
My firstborn son put his 6 year old body in the water yesterday, and his daddy cried in front of a crowd. He called him his brother and dunked him under, baptism, symbol of death. Raised to new life, we all felt the siphon of rebirth, the mirror unclouding a bit in the praise.
There are many resurrections before that final rising. Flip-flops to work after years of suits. Wine in bottles years after the tree has died. Some days I wake up, and I know that Jesus is alive.
Everything that moves us toward Him is life.
My firstborn son, Isaac, was baptized yesterday, October 9th. His story so far is incredible, and I’ll write about it soon, but here’s the video. It’s a funny one.