cosmos


I’m overcome with temptation, so I eat the bowl of ice-cream that hurts my tummy and causes Titus eczema all over. I wrestle and limp in my spirit to the pot of beans, then the friend comes over. I say I know it hurts, and I apologize that I couldn’t have told her in advance how hard marriage is.

I light a beautiful candle, smells like cookies, and I imagine what it’s like to be Catholic. I say a prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to keep speaking it as the flame bounces with our passing by.

My boys suddenly go silent, stand below the window and figure ways to blow it out and stick their fingers in the wax.

The Rock House is wonderful, and when it’s clean (15 minutes tops) I walk through and enjoy it, look around and call it home. But the charm is in the mess now. Move me anywhere. The mess, the noise, it comes along no matter.

I literally hurdle through, over little boy forts, preciously stacked pillows and walls of blocks. I go through my clothes, piece by piece. I pile it all: no. no. no. I don’t wear much of this. My Seth told me we had an event but failed to mention the black tie part. All I know is that I’m wearing my tattoo, and not many evening gowns cover it.

I’ve come to love this awkward stage, the craisins in the carpet, the black tears rolling down my face when we sing doxology, how my voice gets worse as I get older, and how I sing louder. Every single day is a sort of shirking.

I wonder how to go deeper, how to not spread so thinly. Can I be faithful in the small?

Can I see the tapestry? That we are threads woven together? That we are parts of a body? Me here and you there across the world even. Don’t let me forget that this tiny spot I’m in is cosmic. It is atom-to-atom tied into a Story that blankets all circumstance like pink across the sky.

amberhaines
About me

11 Comments

nicole i
Reply February 9, 2012

your words echo within my heart on so many levels. thank you for your honest prose.

Joy
Reply February 9, 2012

Oh, oh, oh. I was walking a similar trace this weekend....wrestled closets, wrestled my body. Got rid of four trash bags full (for six kids), thinking about giving away at least two more...how many clothes do we need, what time and money could be better spent?

I'm convinced that so much of our life is lived right here, in the wrestling. In the mess. Crying through the doxology with you...love to you, dearest. Dance in the middle of the boys, spin wild. It's beautiful.

LoraLynn
Reply February 9, 2012

I've decided that while I may not appear that graceful to the rest of the world, in my house I am nimble like a dancer. Because I have to be quick on my toes to walk from point A to point B. I dodge and weave like a runningback (holy cow, am I making a football analogy), spinning myself around the clutter and toys and diapers and Legos and pencils and other treacherous items my kids leave out to have me killed. Yea, okay, so I still fall down. A lot. But given the dangerous terrain, I'm practically a Ninja Master.

Loved this post...

    Amber
    Reply February 9, 2012

    LL, you just totally "scored" with that football analogy. Spectacular.

    And everything you said is a big fat YES. That is my life, too.

tara pohlkotte
Reply February 9, 2012

so much beauty here. truly.

dearabbyleigh
Reply February 9, 2012

the light is beautiful. in the candle, in the sky, in your words, in you!

    Amber
    Reply February 9, 2012

    Abby, we just really love you so much.

imperfect prose
Reply February 9, 2012

"can i be faithful in the small?"

let's. let's do it, friend. let's be faithful. a mustard seed kind of faithful... (love this)

Cathy
Reply February 10, 2012

and time will pass so quickly - in the blink of an eye they are grown - enjoy!

Shelly Miller
Reply February 11, 2012

Love that last line about how that tiny spot you are in is cosmic. My husband travels all around the world, leaving me at home to tend to the kids, the stuff and sometimes my spot can seem insignificant in comparison to seeing the world. But, its all significant, here, there, because He lives in us and through us, no matter where we are or what we do. Your writing stays with me for days, its just beautiful.

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