A Rock Home Companion: On Silence and Clutter


When my mouth begins to move too much, and I see it eek into my friendships, and I hear myself rattling in my sleep, and give advice when none is needed, and I sing horrible songs that I hate just to cover the silence, that’s when I know.

God is speaking. Over and over again, in the Holy of Holies to the ears of my ears, He speaks.

Every day I wake up and do the same thing I did the day before, thinking about my lack of discipline. To-Do List swallows. Nothing here in this rock house has a place, and yet I sit at the computer, trick myself into thinking that if I could encourage someone on Facebook, then I’m doing the better thing. My heart holds chaos.

An overhaul is coming. I can feel it. A quietening. And a quickening. Spring is wide open, and friendships aren’t cutting it, nor are the blooms or birds, and they aren’t supposed to. I need a Messianic fix.

My daddy asked me, “You know how to eat an elephant, don’t you?

One    Bite    at    a    Time.

How do I quieten down so I can hear?

One NO at a time. One off-button. One bag of clothes in the give-away pile. One shut mouth.

It’s funny how a mini-van can reflect a heart, how we ignore its condition even though it smells like we use it to collect our trash, and oh wait – that is exactly what we do.

I spent an hour and a half cleaning the van yesterday with bags of trash, bags of things to put away, a collection of legos, a few hero-guy arms and heads, a stash of dead french fries, crackers, and possibly some apple cores. I had to take the back seat out and spray everything down, and even still I’m not sure I’d sit back there.

White-washing is lying. Ignoring truth is lying. And aren’t we going to lie when we fill our ears with the wrong news?

One listening prayer at a time,

I’m beginning to sense what I’ve been fearing. I can see now that grief is what has scared me so, that grief might be holy and ongoing, and that grief may be where resurrection beauty is found.

So this is a post about Spring, about my death and resurrection. Tell the truth; what in the quiet are you so afraid of?

amberhaines
About me

18 Comments

Kelsey
Reply May 4, 2012

One bite at a time, one bite at a time.
Thank you for this encouraging message.
We don't have to do it all.

Airs
Reply May 4, 2012

I don't know how to express what I'm afraid of in the quiet, maybe because loss pulls quiet right into your face and gives you nothing else. I've made peace with that quiet. I think you will too. I'll be here to (quietly) hold your hand. <3

Mia
Reply May 4, 2012

I'm afraid of what I don't know, what I can't see, who will be the next one on my list to miss, failing at things that I don't even try hard enough to accomplish...I fear the loss of what I know and what I don't know...this is because oftentimes my faith is weak and my brain takes over.

My brain takes over when my heart is the boss, I feel that perhaps the boss is on a quick vacation because it's been working too hard lately but I'm looking forward to the return.

I'm a worry wart. I have heard that when you worry about something and then it actually becomes a reality, then you've lived through the heartache twice.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to be afraid, I need to open my heart again with the faith that I know it has...but fear, grief and stress have been unwelcome guests in this heart for too long.

Thank you for the encouragement to hear Him, for I am meek and lowly and that is okay.

Jeri Taira
Reply May 4, 2012

Once in awhile, it seems like the "to-do's" outweigh the hours in my day. I feel like very second needs to be occupied and I forget being with Him sets my time right...sets it all right.

Adele
Reply May 5, 2012

Thank you Amber. This is exactly what my heart and mind needed today xo

shelly
Reply May 6, 2012

when it's stripped away (not all)..what you've been working so hard to build up/create, and it crumbles in your hands there is almost a sense of losing whatever mind you had....after the terror I realized I had been so busy. I was trying so hard to attain and create what I thought was good and right, and it is and was, but with Him and for Him, not just because its good and right. I am slowly learning to listen and to slow, and to try to do everything for the audience of One and trust that therein lies peace and rest. You are a wise woman to head into this wisdom you write about.

Jennifer Upton
Reply May 7, 2012

I am afraid that in the silence I will hear my voice. The voice I've been praying to be revealed to me. I am afraid because I fear what this discovered voice of mine is purposed to pour out. I am afraid because close to the surface is a knowing that my voice will painfully prick hearts of those I adore but are grieved by because they live in bondage. This should be a good thing but I am selfishly fearful they will read my pouring personally no longer loving me.

Annie
Reply May 8, 2012

I'm afraid of being not enough, of failing at I don't what. At the root of it, I fear the things that are already taken care of because I can't still long enough to see them for what they are. Distracted and busy, I focus on the small failings and flailings instead of the whole wide depravity of this heart & the rescue right in the midst of it all. Amber, I am right here with you. Wish we could have a van cleaning date and practice keeping out mouths shut together. Although I suspect we'd fail. ;)

diana trautwein
Reply May 9, 2012

Oh, sweet girl - this is just lovely, lovely. Poignant and filled with longing. And you know what? The longing is honored and honorable. The longing comes from God alone. You will find your way to the quiet you seek, one crap-covered car seat after the other. You may even surprise yourself and find it right there in the middle of the crap. Sitting here, grateful for your good words, your seeking heart, your call to me, too - to open wide the right side of my brain, the part where the heart and the imagination live. Taking deep breaths, grateful to have found this today.

r.elliott
Reply May 19, 2012

hopped over from your incourage post...thank -you...reading both of these touches a place in my heart...a deeper spot that God wants to come and heal...and bring freedom. I have been “around this mountain” ...and with each journey He comes in a little deeper. Because overtime I am really knowing how loved I am by Him...so each time this stripping comes...I yield a little easier...because when all is said and done , the growing ache in my heart is to be free...truly free to Love Him with my whole heart soul and mind...and my neighbor as myself.
Thank you again for your honesty...it helped open my ears to hear God’s whispers to me...have a blessed weekend~

Brandee Shafer
Reply May 19, 2012

This was for me, today. (I'm drowning.) Thank you.

Deborah Nepal
Reply May 20, 2012

I happened to stumble upon your blog from this: http://www.incourage.me/2012/05/the-purpose-of-loneliness.html
Just what I needed to read and hear. Thanks for this entry.
Deb

Sara Sophia
Reply May 21, 2012

Friend. I miss you. This reached down deep to the secret place.

I need to hear the things that make me listen.

I need to stop talking and thinking and worrying over all the things that ever were.

I am trying.

Deb @ San Diego Momma
Reply May 21, 2012

I believe there was a reason I was led to this post today.
Beautifully written and so perfectly put.
I was there with you.

Amber
Reply June 4, 2012

I am afraid of revealing myself, which is exactly why God has led me to start blogging, I think. Putting one foot in front of the other even when it makes no sense, seeing what God will do with that obedience. It's all I have. I do not think I've got all the answers. I'm just showing how God is working in my life, hoping someone sees Him.
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this. It's a blessing to me.

Danica Schelts
Reply June 14, 2012

Love reading your post. For me, I am rattling with too much emotions that happen to me today.

Liz Tererk
Reply July 19, 2012

You have a good time since you love talking and talking. With that, you can share you own thoughts. In fact, that is an awesome personality.

Lesley-Anne
Reply July 28, 2012

I love your way of expressing the truth in ways that are not church speak, but deep, filled with the voice of the spirit, moving over me in waves.

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