We knew Titus, our 11 month old, had fallen off the growth chart, but I believed in the power of breast milk and in coconut oil and almond butter. I spent a few months trying to catch him up, but two weeks ago, instead of growing, we found that he was losing weight. After 5 days of trying harder, we were still more concerned. His little metabolism had shut off, and he literally couldn’t take in the nourishment. It wouldn’t fit anymore.
My mother-in-law came right away, and I drove him the hospital while Seth was stuck in an airport. Our community group rallied strong and really let worry be no option for us. I only cried twice. Once when my friend Ginny came, when all she did was hug me. And then after getting home from the hospital, my friend Casee brought a huge pot roast with carrots and potatoes. When she walked over and handed me a candy bar, she hugged me. It wasn’t the candy bar that made me cry. Good old fashioned hugs work. I have never felt this loved while feeling this small. We were in the hospital for 3 days.
The entire time, Holy Spirit has been strong in me, and I’m not in a particularly rigid phase of scripture consumption. I haven’t been praying without ceasing so much. I didn’t do anything special at all. A trial came, and He was present and bigger than the entire thing.
It’s strange to experience such pain and genuine fear, while also feeling peace and having a constant sense that God is good. For today, peace and God’s goodness are not opposite of pain and fear. It’s as if we experience these things in separate dimensions, and the inner-realm of peace doesn’t take the fear away. Rather, peace filtered my fear of losing a child and turned it into a temporary thing. God’s peace is a sense that comes from outside of time; it trumps a moment. I felt eternal, and I saw Titus as eternal.
I kept saying everything is going to be okay, even if it’s not okay. Titus had to have a feeding tube, and while in the hospital, he gained an entire pound. He’s still in a position that if he were to get sick, he would have no reserve to deal with it. We’re home now trying to force formula and whatever crazy thing he’ll eat. So far it’s not going very well. He’s taking in about a third of what he’s supposed to. But it’s okay. Yesterday was better than the day before.
Please pray for my Titus. He’s begun drinking from a sippy cup, but he’ll only take in a few ounces at a time. Pray he’ll drink the whole thing. Pray for our wisdom in what to give him and how to make eating and drinking a positive experience so he doesn’t reject it.
While in our crazy time, I wrote a blog post for Ann Voskamp, which is to say, how did I get here? How did God give me her and you? I would love for you to check out what I wrote there at a Holy Experience, When You’re Somehow Missing Your True Homeland, but also, I would love for you to read about her latest trip to Haiti with Compassion. Her oldest son got to go, and that is such a dream to me. Keely Scott can take a dern good photograph, and Ann processes in a way that transplants images like arrows. She always hits bullseye.
Lord willing’ and the creek don’t rise, I’ll be writing here again regularly. I declare my writing break over. My bones are on fire.
And PS: I’ve heard word that some haven’t been getting emails when I write. I hope to put on my techie hat and figure that out today. Do you get my emails?