See Beyond the Nose
I took this photo, and I can’t believe it. When we left the hospital, we hit the ground running. Last weekend, I made it to a beach house full of humblest women, coming as I always do with reservations, concerns about my fit problem. I also don’t know how to stop running, how to curl my feet up on the couch and just laugh and nod, see beyond my own nose. All the hugging settled, dinner was served, and I sat safely in the corner with my paper plate. I let the hum of laughter lift me out of myself and into their lives.
When I laid eyes on the ocean, I exhaled a gray smoke, and it blew away. I stopped running. My shoulders dropped 4 inches.
That night I went on a walk with a big sister. We talked of orphans and gaped our jaws at the stars. Have you seen them lately, the millions? How terribly small you are. We desperately need to know our littleness.
This weekend I’m away again for a sort of impromptu writer’s retreat where we’re actually going to write, and it’s the strangest thing. I can’t explain how it all happened, because I don’t even know. The timing of the book ideas inside me and the women in my life who are feeding me heaping spoons of encouragement and practical advice, it doesn’t make sense how it all came together except to say that it’s just time, and God is making it so. I’m not sure how I’ll write a book, but I’m going to. There. I’ve said it.
It’s impossible to be obedient when we can’t see beyond ourselves. Our callings/giftings are not about us. The vase is about the bouquet.
Titus is eating like a champ, and it has been slow, but I think we’re crossing the hump. It takes a long time to adjust after a long hospital stay, and our eyes are different now. We’re very on-guard with Titus’ little life, but right now he seems as healthy as he can be. I took his feeding tube out, and his cheeks are rounding out.
Did I tell you he is walking everywhere, his tiny body thrusted chest first, arms up, smile stretched across always?
Also, please oh please oh please have mercy on my switchiness. I made the painful switch on Facebook so I can keep up with you as a person. It was so hard to speak like theRunaMuck there. I like speaking as Amber, you know? It’s embarrassing to ask, but would you mind following me there?
Now I’m just plain ol’ Amber C Haines.
Once upon a time, I wrote for Deeper Story. Do you remember that? And then I quietly quit. I couldn’t hang then, and who knows if I can now either, but I’m writing again under my husband, Seth Haines, at A Deeper Church with an outstanding list of contributors. I’m shocked actually at the names, people who will stretch me in the maturity way. The church is what I really love, talking about who the church is, remembering why the church is. I’m excited. Follow Deeper Church on Facebook, too? Maybe we can find some healing together, come out on the other side looking a little more like Jesus. Pray for that, too.