What Mothers Me


Smiling My memory for childhood is detailed and vivid. I remember the slap of my melting bare feet running up the black-top road to my great-grandmother’s house and how good it felt to make it to her shadowed carport. I remember turning over rocks to collect roly-polies just for pure fun, and I remember licking so many drops of nectar off the inside string of honeysuckles that I may as well have had a glass of tea.

But my memory only accidentally saved flash pictures of my mama when I was very small, as if I didn’t know that her experience was separate from my own. A loved child takes a while to realize that she exists outside of her mother’s arms. I remember her yellow trapeze, so big with my sister inside. I was two. She was sitting on a stool brushing her hair. I remember reaching up and pulling the ponytail holder out of my own hair. This may be the moment I realized she had to go to the hospital, the moment I realized I would live if she left to somehow get that baby out through her bellybutton.

I remember a silk polka-dotted scarf tied around her head, her wooden easel, the smell of paint smeared on a board. She sat with Bob Ross on the tv and churned out a world I had never seen. How does she do that?

She watched commercials and cried, on the ridiculous side of tender.

She danced. I remember her singing “I’m Walking on Sunshine” while she cleaned the house. She would squat way down and pick up a toy. She cut bologna and cheese into heart shapes. She hated to cook. She made us hotdogs on Thursdays. She sat in the back doorway on the top step and heaved her body back and forth in contractions with the oldest of my brothers. Her eyes get green like spring grass when she hurts.

Not shortly after, I came home from school to her in stone-cold shock. She was having another, and after that ginormous baby brother came, we spent the next kid years laughing at how funny he was. Inside the house turned into a rotation of baths, plates on a table, and laundry. Once I hid beneath a pile of hot clothes on the couch while Mama and Daddy had an argument. Her voice is as sweet as any girl-child. She was never good at fighting, not like the rest of us are.

I was a rebellious teenager when she told me that she prayed for me daily, and I believed with all my heart that it was ruining my social life, bringing me to the end of myself. Her power was only in the invisible realms. I wanted a different power than that.

We don’t realize when we’re younger that our parents keep changing. We don’t realize that life continues to ask that they hurdle the impossible.

I’ve been away from home now for over 15 years. She never stopped making beautiful things. Ideas turn into beads, wire, water on canvas. Now to me she is an artist, someone who exists without us. She exists on frozen yogurt. She exists on the way she believes God carries. She is the most powerful woman I know.

Last week I drove her car, and she had the music blaring, and the bass rattled the trunk. She explains a lot about me.

I am surprised by how motherhood has shown me Jesus, but not just with my own children. I am surprised by how a woman continues to mother as her children get old, not by clinging or soothing or even by living until she’s 80, but she mothers in all the private ways she ever leaned hard  into Jesus. I still watch Mama cry. I sit and listen to her talk about the Holy Spirit. Those are the things that will mother me even after she’s met the grave.

My girl, Lisa-Jo Baker, has published a new book Surprised By Motherhood, and her story is fascinating and beyond worth the read.

Also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but this video here tears me up.

I just know there are some of you weary, and Lisa-Jo’s story, Surprised By Motherhood, is going to be just the thing.

I love all you Mamas, especially my one in Alabama.

amberhaines
About me

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13 Comments

Amy
Reply April 1, 2014

This makes me want to drive to Alabama and give my mama a hug!

Alia Joy
Reply April 1, 2014

"She explains a lot about me." I think this about my mother too. And she still mothers me in a way. Not in the same ways for sure, but I don't think that ever really goes away. So thankful for you beautiful words. P.S. Your my mama's favorite blog, besides me, of course. There are rules about loyalty and kin and all that stuff. ;) She doesn't really know how to comment or anything but she loves your words.

    Amber
    Reply April 1, 2014

    Oh my gracious, Alia. That makes me so happy. Thank you for telling me that!

      Alia Joy
      Reply April 2, 2014

      And I shouldn't write comments before coffee because hello grammar issues. Yes, my mom obviously has impeccable taste.

Lisa-Jo
Reply April 1, 2014

Oh man Amber - how you remember your mama - I love how those nooks and crannies of our mothering actually do seep into our kids' memories. For some reason the - she made hot dogs on Thursdays really really got me. Love you and thank you for sharing!

Tina Carothers
Reply April 2, 2014

Thank you, your words are more than enough reward for raising you. You all are a gift of love from God above. He transforms us all, if we will let Him.

    Phyllis Runyon
    Reply April 2, 2014

    Hey there, Tina Carothers! I am loving your daughter's blog immensely. I seldom read it that I don't think about you and wish I had gotten to know you more deeply while we lived in Grant. Now, when I think about you, I'm gonna think of you with a polka-dot bandana around your beautiful head with paint brush in hand, creating and nurturing. Thank you for raising Amber with praying hands! You are a woman who has made a difference! Love, Phyllis Runyon

Alysa
Reply April 2, 2014

Grateful for the insight that our parents keep changing. I don't know if I've ever consciously thought that before but it brings new light to family relationships.

Such sweet words and memories about your Mother. Now I'm feeling sentimental about mine.

Lori Harris
Reply April 2, 2014

I swear woman. You make me cry and then laugh out loud- to think of your mama with her radio rattling the trunk.
Oh my.
I do want to be that sorta mama when I'm old and gray.
( And I do hear your drawl in your writing which is why I always come by here- I feel at home.)

Chris Malkemes
Reply April 2, 2014

What a wonderful tribute to your mom. You have a beautiful way with words. You are so blessed to still have moments to share with your Mom. Treasure them. You will not regret it.

Diana Trautwein
Reply April 3, 2014

Well, shoot. Now I'm all weepy and teary and undone. Beautiful writing - from you and from L-J in that goes-for-the gut video. Thank you both.

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