Monday morning, 9:30 AM, all is well, the boys gleefully cheep cheeping of imaginary things. In the stillness, I slide into my chair at the kitchen table, which is centrally located so I can see, hear, and smell anything the boys or my dog can do.
I answer a quick email and hurry up from my seat to do the count. I am constantly counting: one, two, three. (You know. That’s how many I have.)
One. There’s Ike.
Two. There’s Ian.
Three. There’s Jude completely naked, his torso jutted forward and aimed at The Pet Me animal book, which is soaking wet. In Pee.
My eyes skim the floor. Each corner of the couch. Both chairs. The toy cars. The plastic pig with large udders. A blanket. All soaking in puddles of pee.
I yell and run for a towel, and on my return, guess what I saw the dumb dog doing. Guess.
He is peeing everywhere. Sweet mother of Georgia Brown. In comes Isaac, the one who asks to wash his hands every time he wants to suck his thumb. He waddles through it, and then, Bloody Murder. We’ve got a full-on panic attack because his feet touched pee-pee.We do breathing exercises, and in walks Ian, too.
The time to start worrying about a peeing contest between a boy and his dog is when you start to think you have a centrally located spot, a safe place to stop the head-counting. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be centrally located enough.
(Now. I know it doesn’t seem like I’d giggle at this, but by the grace of God, with wet feet and surround-sound screaming, I did. Sometimes Life is ridiculous. This is why he makes Mamas just a little crazy – so they can laugh at some things without their nerves transforming into weaponry – maybe electrical zappers.)
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