another last day of my life

Jude's brown eyesToday is the last day of my life that I will have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 1 year old. Tomorrow Jude turns three, and I know that’s true because it’s what the calendar says, but it doesn’t make sense to my brain. 

Last night when the other boys got still, it was so late, and Jude said, “Mama, I need you to play with my hair,” and I did it because he’s so beautiful. He’s so confident. Last year I described him like this

I’ve never known such a light-hearted salad eating book-lover who is satisfied fading behind 300 kids or satisfied in a star position, playing alone. No one could ever endure a head injury like you and still be able to work an intricate toddler puzzle. You are a party, our funny, dare-devilishly cautious artist.

This year I add that he loves justice. He wants to see his brothers do right, and he is willing to say “I’m sorry,” when he feels it. Happy Birthday, Jude. I’m so glad to be your mama. You’re worth every stern face I spend on you. You’re worth the correction and the pot of your favorite beans. You’re worth more than what I have to give. I love you and the grace that oozes out.

About me


What I Knew In My Dying Day: a Wild in the Hollow Guest Post by Tara Owens
August 19, 2015
Condemnation on the Molehill
June 08, 2015
Tools for the Highly Sensitive Mother: An Introduction
April 27, 2015
The Uncouth: The Hormonal
May 12, 2014
What Mothers Me
April 01, 2014
Learning How to Eat (and a giveaway of Mom in the Mirror)
May 20, 2013
A Haines Home Companion: Alter
February 22, 2013
A Haines Home Companion: Motherhood and Anti-Depression
February 08, 2013
A Haines Home Companion: On the Trail
January 25, 2013


Reply July 24, 2009

He IS beautiful. Jude-love, when the elements align just right and it comes about, is the most precious gem in the world.

Reply July 24, 2009

i remember really enjoying this kid and feeling that he had some level of chill and calm and peacefulness that i hope the Lord downloads into me one day. he just wasn't wound up about anything. plus, he brought me and seth together for a viewing of THE JUNGLE BOOK at 6 o'clock on a saturday morning. who can argue with that.

happy birthday, sir. blessings on your already uber-blessed head. you're certainly on your way.

Reply July 24, 2009

I can't believe it has been 3 years since you missed Vail's first birthday party to have a baby! I still remember walking in that room before you had Jude and you had a calmness to you. Happy Birthday Jude! You have the most amazing mom in the entire world! Hope your birthday is fantabulous!!

Sarah Bessey
Reply July 24, 2009

Oh, this was so beautiful, it made me ache. It is worth it.

Reply July 24, 2009

Oh, happy birthday, sweet boy!! And to the sweet boy's mama, may you find a way to hold tight and let go at the same time, to pull him close while you prod him toward life.
Oh, they are so very worth it. Worth more than we have, indeed.

Reply July 24, 2009

I love you, too, Jude! So much!! What an awesome kid.

Jane Anne
Reply July 25, 2009

Happy Birthday to your little man! Have fun celebrating.

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