I’m going to need a re-do on this one

Today is my ten year anniversary, and instead of feeling all sentimental and gushy, I think I might feel a tad bit Virginia Wolf-ish (not the stones-in-her-pockets part, but the Room of Her Own part). 

Want to know why? Yeah, me too. I can’t pinpoint it exactly, except that the perfectionist in me makes me want to flee – not my marriage (I sure love my husband), but my house is wrecked, and my boys need to be disciplined firmly, and I seem to have forgotten how to gather myself except for inside the confines of pantyhose, which is something that I have to wear tonight, and that makes me want to pitch a fit, and sometimes it seems like everybody but the Mama gets to pitch a fit.

This, by the way, is all horrible. Never quote anything from this post! I mean it. Hormones are no excuse for ungodliness and neither is lack of rest and neither are unmet expectations.

In my Bible Study this morning (Esther by Beth Moore), I read that I don’t have to be perfect, and though I already knew that, I think I’ve spent this whole day being mad about it, like I’m ready to accept it for every one else, but when it comes to my work and my children and my house and my marriage … 

Sometimes the best I can do just doesn’t feel very good at all, but in 10 years of a marriage that has been mostly dreamy, I can give this advice:

Sometimes marriage feels like warm-earred love, the whispered-to love, cradled and burning, and sometimes marriage feels like a bad game of twenty questions. Marriage is not about feelings (and neither is parenting). Marriage is about huddling in together as closely as you can to the center. And the center is Christ because He is the only perfect one, He even within the confines of people skin, which must be much worse than pantyhose if you’re God.

*Update* Last minute, Seth got us out of going to my panty hose event! Oh oh, not to be conditional, but I think I’m starting to feel it. Yep. There it is. The Gushy is here.

About me


When I Don’t Feel God
March 11, 2013
Concrete Words: An Abstraction on the Rock
January 28, 2013
Marriage Letters: I Knew You Loved Me When
February 27, 2012
Don’t Run Away and Change Your Name
November 01, 2010
A Community Companion: on learning love
October 27, 2010
on bravery and the body
June 23, 2010
On Living Out Simplicity (from the long-drive to Alabama)
April 08, 2010
Nightlight: A Girl’s Guide to Sight
February 19, 2010
on the shadow and a confession: a love story
February 03, 2010


Reply November 13, 2009

Seriously forgive me for this one, y'all. I'm pooped - which is Southern for "I could sleep on a concrete floor."

Seth is amazing, by the way. I don't want to make it sound like I don't "feel" gushy about him because I do. I'm just pooped, so a lot of things feel a little off.

I guess I'm writing to say that just because something feels off, it doesn't mean that it is.

I told a friend the other night that our house hasn't sold yet, and his immediate response was, "Praise the LORD ... for this opportunity to trust in Him." I laughed so hard, but it was true.

Especially if you struggle with the blues, Praise the LORD for this opportunity to trust Him.

Reply November 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary friend!!

Its hard when your emotions get sabotaged by tiredness....

But I know - my weakness is God's opportunity.

Have a wonderful rest of the day! You are loved.

Reply November 13, 2009

"which must be much worse than pantyhose if you’re God..."

Amber, you crack me up. Thank you for being a people - I SO need to know those!

Here's hoping you have a smash/bang evening - in the best way possible.

Sarah Mae
Reply November 13, 2009

Amber...Amen, I feel it too...{sigh}

Searching for the "praise!"

Reply November 13, 2009

I'm sooo feelin' ya...

Happy Anniversary to you and Seth!!

Another Joy
Reply November 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary, and may you find rest for your body and your soul. I can relate to all of this... except I actually have pitched a few fits lately. Which quickly proved to me why the Mama isn't supposed to do that. Not pretty.

Kari Kounkel
Reply November 13, 2009

Amber... Amber... Amber...

I'm printing that last paragraph, bringing it to the tattoo shop, and wearing it for the rest of my life.

Thank you!

Reply November 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary! I love the visual of God itching in his human skin. Can't wait to shed it myself most days...

Reply November 13, 2009

You know, most people wouldn't post about it if they didn't feel all gushy. I so love you for not being like most people.
You're just saying what all of us have felt before (and will feel again). Have a wonderful night out--taking solace in the fact at least you don't have to cook or clean up after yourselves.
Also? I HATE panty hose. (I just felt like it needed to be said).

Reply November 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary! Our #10 is next Friday... November '99 was a great month for weddings! :)

Loved that part of the Esther study...the idea that I don't have to be perfect is one that I constantly have to remind myself of. Especially now when my house too is wrecked and my girlies were on every last, unrested nerve this morning.

Sorry about the pantyhose... hopefully the event will be worth the sacrifice! That's always my metric for whether or not to wear the hose...is the affair really worth the aggravation? Which is funny, because they never used to bother me that much!

Reply November 13, 2009

I loved this! I hope tonight in your beautiful togetherness, God shows Himself some more. Happy Anniversary!!

Reply November 13, 2009

This is how I've felt about writing for the last 2 weeks. I still love it, but I feel like it's not going to be good enough, so I've neglected it even though there are still feelings there. I get it.

Happy anniversary. May you have a gushy night out. :)

Reply November 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary!
I know exactly how you feel. I hope you get some rest and feel refreshed and ready to celebrate your anniversary :)

Lora Lynn
Reply November 13, 2009

From someone who spent her tenth anniversary in a twin bed with her daughters asleep in the same room, I get this. The reality of TEN is that our lives are so messy right now. This is the nitty-gritty, really LIVING part of life. And it doesn't feel like I thought it would.

But it doesn't mean I love it any less.

Still, you gotta go hunting for those warm fuzzies sometimes. Just so you can keep slogging through the muck. (not the Runamuck, just the muck.)

Happy 10 to you both!

Reply November 13, 2009

Ten years!! I love y'all so darn much. Happy anniversary to you both. I do believe you guys are quite gushy over each other, and I love that.

And what in the world do you have to go to that requires panty-hose??? For that alone, hang in there, woman.

Reply November 13, 2009

Honesty. It's so refreshing sometimes! Especially for all of us far-from-perfect-but-trying-too-hard-to-be-so mamas! Thank you for the laugh and the sigh of acceptance.... : )

Reply November 13, 2009

A God-centered marriage... that is what matters most! I hope you have a wonderful anniversary together... filled with moments God give you to remind you why you are together in the first place!

Reply November 13, 2009

i feel that way a lot. not just on my anniversary.

Reply November 13, 2009

Happy anniversary. I haven't put on pantyhose in 10 years and never intend to again!

Reply November 13, 2009

Happy 10th to both of you!

Boy Crazy (@claritychaos)
Reply November 13, 2009

Happy Anniversary to you two! I love your honesty, and I LOVE your sweet southern voice that rings out to my midwestern ears. ;) I can hear your accent from here, and I love it!

Muthering Heights
Reply November 13, 2009

Happy anniversary! I'm glad you found the gushy. :) :)

Sue Omullan
Reply November 14, 2009

Happy 10th Anniversary!
I wonder...
Who invented panyhose anyway?
Was this person married?

Pantyhose are just short of the word torture.

Reply November 14, 2009

ohhhhh, no need to apologize and cover over real. It's okay to be real. i see in your response to all of this a clarity about the root of your hurts, and I think that is so important. And HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! And YAY to no panty hose! (We spent our tenth anniversary living at my in-laws. I DEF want a do-over for that one . . .)

Kelly @ Love Well
Reply November 14, 2009

Sometimes, I wish there wasn't so much pressure on anniversaries in our society. The best days are difficult to orchestrate. (And if pantyhose is involved, it's not one of the best days. Horrors!)

Michelle at Graceful
Reply November 14, 2009

Thanks for being real, Amber! I found you via ChristmasChange -- enjoyed your post there today, too.

Jenn Calling Home
Reply November 14, 2009

Glad you got out of the panty hose and into the gushy. Happy Anniversary!

Reply November 15, 2009

Sometimes I feel like I live in a constant state of things feeling a little off. At least once a month. If not more. I think your post was perfect and needs no disclaimers. You are rounding out the corners of this beautiful life, showing the messy right next to the lovely. My favorite.

Traci Little
Reply November 15, 2009

Happy Anniversary. Can so relate. Can so agree. 100%

and for the record, stockings make me a irritable woman. I am pretty sure it is a conspiracy! (hope it made u laugh)


Ann Voskamp
Reply November 16, 2009

I loved this post.
That last paragraph.

Yeah... like I love you.

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